old cronies

in college, i thought that my closest buddies at that time would end up as my lifelong friends, business partners even. plans for the future usually included living in the same neighborhood, setting up a common business, being godfather and godmother to each other's children, going on trips outside the country and countless others that i was almost confident that nothing would change after 20 years. well, many of them are still around. i ended up godfather to some of their children. most of us are indeed in the same profession. but we don't live in the same neighborhood, those who attempted to go into business together ultimately burned their bridges. and some of them just faded away.

then i moved on, went to medical school and met new friends. this time, the signs of permanence are there. i joined a fraternity where commitment is, as the cliche goes, lifelong. common interests, common backgrounds and common workplaces almost ensured that separation anxiety would not be much of a problem come graduation time. despite my devotion to my frat, i had life outside of the titans. i believed in the yin-yang, the balancing of life and the forces that surround it in order to ensure that one is not blinded by one's affiliations or loyalties. so i cultivated friendships outside of the frat. i thought it was healthy. i thought that it was in my best interest that i have as many friends as possible from the most varied groupings. even from our rival frat.

so ian and the gang became the diving buddies, golfing competitors and partners in just about every crime commonly committed by young adults in their early twenties. we did not intend to plan our lives as friends. day by day, week by week, we tackled each other's struggles individually. we looked out for each other but never lost track of the notion that we were all on our own. we mapped out our plans according to our own desires and resources, not on what the common goal was. or because we simply had no common goal. our ambitions were not modest by any measure, but quite realistic given our individual capabilities and built-in (meaning family) advantages.

in other words, we took life as it came. no big deal about how long we will be together as friends. what mattered most was where things will work out best for each of us. after graduation, we took different specialties in different hospitals. we had a lull on the golf matches for a while, but ultimately the diving expeditions resumed sooner than we expected. some had children way ahead of most of us, some had domestic challenges of their own, some had occasional balance sheet issues, but we made sure we saw each other once in a while. no longer a nightly affair like during our years in med school and internship, but those brief moments are always enough.

there's really no telling who or which set of friends will stand the test of time. faces come and go and there is still no fool-proof instrument that tells us which ones are good and which ones will go quietly into the night.

we just take them as they come.

las vegas

if there's one city that's testament to both america's ingenuity and to its defiance to nature's dictates, it's las vegas. not an oasis town, not one blessed by natural resources enough to sustain a metropolis of such proportion, las vegas is right in the middle of nowhere in nevada's southwestern front.

yet it is everything that america is. a gleaming city of a billion neon lights and recreated city-hotels that mimic or even mock some of the greatest capitals of the world like paris, venice, cairo and rome, las vegas is still one developing experiment. newer showcase hotel buildings take the place of the older ones and keep the place as cutting edge as when it was first conceived by the mafioso. this continuous drive to improve and keep up with the times even if it means knocking down some of its aging iconic buildings like the stardust make las vegas a unique place. ever evolving, ever on top of the situation.

i said it is a testament to america's defiance to nature's dictates because it is really not an ideal habitat for human settlement. when i left vegas last saturday, the temperature was an oven-hot 126 degrees. i can't say it's steaming hot because as the locals would say, it's "dry heat". dry heat or not, it's still 126 degrees, it hurts the skin of your face, it creates the sensation of dyspnea in the absence of a physiological rationale, and it's just extremely hot. period. and i live in florida.

despite this excruciating climate in what is probably some of america's most inhospitable soils, or sands, las vegas survives and thrives to retain its title as the world's entertainment and gambling capital. the city has succeeded enormously in selling itself as a fun place. it is where you can smoke just about anywhere with the least amount of restrictions compared with the rest of the country. it is also where strippers are openly advertised in magazines, newspapers and the streets for every excited and excitable adult. and yet, las vegas has likewise been successful in re-packaging the city's image into one where the whole family can enjoy its many attractions.
i like vegas. almost parallel to new york, there's simply no place like it. vegas is one proof of america's capacity to build anything and everything of any size wherever it wants. even in what would ordinarily have been one sandy wasteland.

being catholic

living in the American South, i cannot escape the palpable influence of the evangelical imprint in the society. while florida has established itself apart from the Deep South despite its inescapable geography, the basic elements that constitute a southern state are still present. most ominous among these is the christian evangelical fervor of the vast majority of its people. christian fellowship groups abound in its every major and even minor roads attesting to the religious movement's impact on the floridians's religious experience. not as conservative as the other southern states such as alabama, mississippi, tenessee, the carolinas and georgia, florida is a so-called battleground state among the conservative right and the liberal left. the political make-up and social orientation of its people is more diverse and complex than the above-mentioned states probably because of its sheer physical size and proportion of its immigrant population. also, its advanced economy compared with what is known as the Deep South creates dynamics in the state that jive more with northeastern states, hence the more liberal social and political leanings. on its own, florida is the world's 15th largest economy.

and yet florida is still a bastion of the conservative evangelical movement. in philippine parlance, evangelicals are the so-called "born-again" christians. they are set-apart from the catholic faith and mainstream protestant churches in that they are more fundamentalist on issues relative to the scriptures. they are also loosely organized with no central authority like the vatican for the catholics and the parishes and dioceses of the mainstream protestant churches. inspite of their loose organization as a clearly distinguished faith, evangelicals are perhaps the most powerful religious force in america. they occupy a special place in the republican party as one of its strongest constituencies. the ideological congruence of evangelicals with conservative republicans have for years been the main driving force in the party's resurgence particularly during the bush years. himself an evangelical, george w bush has pushed extremist pro-life policies during his term. his stubborn stand against federal funding for stem cell research has been a lightning rod issue for either sides of this social divide.

on the other hand, the catholic church is still the single largest christian denomination in america. in a country where faith is one of the bases for policy and party platform, this creates a special meaning for religion and faith in general. while churches in "christian europe" are now being converted into discoteques and restaurants for the simple lack of parishioners, america still swears by the tenets of the christian faith. in all shapes and forms. it is almost a requirement for anyone running for public office especially the presidency to be seen and photographed strolling out of sunday service holding hands with his or her spouse and their children. this validates his or her adherence to family values and most importantly, to his faith. the catholic church, continuously on the rise as well because of the massive influx of predominantly catholic poles, italians and irish immigrants at the turn of the century as well as the recent wave of hispanics and filipinos, was given a tremendous boost. today, catholics comprise a good thirty percent or more of the population.

while catholics have historically not voted as a bloc in the united states, they have always leaned towards the Democratic side since immigrants seem to view this party as more friendly towards their welfare and immigration in general. but as the maturation of the catholic population in the country progressed and they became more integrated into the mainstream of american society, other issues came into play in recent years. the most important of these is abortion.

and here is where the congruence of america's major faiths happened. abortion rights has for decades been one of the main indicators of the american's social ideology. pro-life versus pro-choice has never been more evident in the aftermath of roe v wade. because the advocacy against any form of abortion has defined the american catholic church, it has found itself in a holy alliance with the evangelicals on this most important of social issues. slowly, the republican party has made inroads in the catholic population especially if one is to gauge the pronouncements of the church hierarchy on the debate. for a time, some catholic bishops wanted to deny catholic politicians their communion if they espouse a pro-choice stance. evangelicals on the other hand have consistently used its veto power in the republican party to screen its candidates based on their pro-life credentials.

although i no longer consider myself a religious catholic in the sense that i do not share many if not most of my church's dogma, i still associate myself with this group for demographic purposes. besides, i was born, raised and educated in what is perhaps one of the most catholic institutions in the world. in a country where one's character is more or less defined by the presence of absence of organized religion in his or her life, my being catholic softens my otherwise very liberal leanings. this aspect of life may seem not important in an overwhelmingly catholic country like the philippines, but in christian america, people's perceptions may change based on these factors. unlike in the philippines where one's politics is simply defined by WHO you vote for rather that WHAT you stand for, where you hang out every sunday says a lot about what you are. in other words, liberal vs conservative is an ever present fact of life in america. it is therefore not an exclusive debate among politicians, it is something that ordinary americans associate with.

this makes one's being catholic more important. living in florida with the abundance of evangelicals in my workplace, in our neighborhood and in the media makes one more conscious of his faith, or the lack of it. in my case, i am in constant evaluation of where they are in unity with catholics on social issues. i am in constant awe of the strength of this commonality between the two faiths that i even begin to wonder how they are so distant and even at odds in other parts of the world like the philippines. perhaps their common pro-life battle against the party of what they call godless liberals facilitated this ease of co-habitation. or their common stand against same-sex unions provided the added force to an already powerful Religious Right coalition.

for these scenarios i described above, living in florida as a nominal catholic becomes more interesting. but also alarming. seeing a number of filipino catholics drift politically to the Right abandoning a long relationship with the Democrats is quite disturbing. but no one can blame them especially when the republicans continue to fan the flames of their pro-life agenda as a tool to energize their base. it has been very effective in the past and will continue to be successful as long as christian america remains true to its faith.

but for those whose lives are not dictated by the pulpit, or those whose values are not limited by their own creed, this can be very troubling. troubling because it threatens his or her own liberties when religious beliefs are imposed upon everyone. and most troubling because faith should set people free, not hold them hostage to policies inspired by other people's faith.

sariaya

if i'd be ask what my hometown is, the quick answer would be manila. during the most important phase of gaining consciousness and building the adult that i've become, it was in manila that i began each and every discovery. i know its every narrow and wide street, its every high and low end watering holes, and i have a friend in perhaps each of its congressional districts.

but the first twelve years of my life was spent in a small town 120 kilometers south of the capital. in the province of quezon lies sariaya, a large municipality by population and land area, but a small one in terms of economic development. in its only catholic primary school, i had my first taste of sectarian education. despite its small and almost rustic environment, st. joseph's was big on language instruction. what public education lacked in communication skills, my primary school had a strict and somewhat harsh policy on making sure we grow up fully conversant in the king's language. and it was, and perhaps still is, famous in that regard. under the guidance of our not-so-friendly franciscan nun teachers and one very outstanding lay instuctor by the name of ms. cornejo, i began to cultivate an aptitude in both english and filipino. and this sophisticated skill i started nurturing in the little town of sariaya proved very useful when i ventured into the big city. my communication skills were so valuable when i lacked the time and disclipine to labor in the details of medical education. this too was a pivotal tool i used in establishing important connections when i joined the university's official paper, the varsitarian. the varisitarian, being the training ground for the country's foremost journalists and political leaders, played a crucial role in emphasizing discipline in both our oral and written language. a skill that is sorely missing even among today's so-called national leadership.

while i didn't stay long enough in sariaya to truly experience how it is to be a native, i understand and deeply appreciate its idiosyncrasies and uniqueness. straddled between batangas, laguna and bicol, we have an accent that at first would sound similar to batangueno. but over time, one would realize that it has a distinctive character all its own. although sariaya is now often overshadowed by lucban in its pahiyas festival, this tradition is truly original and has almost ancient roots in my hometown. my parents both grew up and lived (my mother is still alive) there all their lives so we have been in constant touch with the hometown i missed growing up in.

but not a lot of people know me in sariaya. in fact a lot of people there think my sister is the only child of my parents. my years in high school, college, medical school and the early period on my medical career took its toll in my establishing lasting relationships with the people in our town. when i come home after long months in manila, i hardly recognize the faces i saw in the streets and perhaps the situation was mutual. they didn't know me either. perhaps the only people who still know me until today are my former classmates in st. joseph's. and there's not a lot of them. and i'd be honest too, except for those who have been my classmates since kindergarten until grade 6, i don't remember most of them. the last reunion i attended some 20 years ago were filled with faces i can only faintly recall. maybe they were my classmates' classmates after i left for high school. or maybe they just matured quicker. or maybe i just have amnesia.

my twelve years in UST are still the most defining period of what i have become and what i still aspire to be. for myself and the larger society. even as i live in america now, i still appreciate the quality of education i obtained in its hallow classrooms and everything i've learned in the varsitarian. i am also particularly proud of its illustrious history and the contributions it has made for my country.

but three hours south of manila is sariaya. my true hometown.

my frat in 2007

three years ago, i dreamed of a huge celebration for my frat. one that would gather the greatest number of titans my frat has ever seen. bigger that the one i organized in subic seven years ago and more lavish than the hawaii get-together i attended in 2003. for some reason, i am fixated to gathering my brothers around me. i revel in telling stories to my younger fraternity siblings while i occupy the stage in acts i have repeated over and over in the frathouse, in medical missions, in outings and wherever i can muster a crowd. more than the philosophical and hifalutin aspect of my being a frat man, i have always subscribed to the idea that brotherhood is always about togetherness.

and this togetherness was, and still is, my inspiration in spearheading efforts to such fraternity celebrations. my frat has given so much to me that participating in, or leading efforts like these is just a small token to give back. after all, i would probably not have had the patience in medical school if not for my brothers. it has sharpened my organizational skills far more than the varsitarian ever did and honed my political instincts perhaps in much the same degree as my father did. my frat life during my formative years as a young adult was so rich, i would not trade it for anything i have ever experienced.

and my dream for this year's grand homecoming in baguio is just the culmination of a career i have created for myself in the frat. since subic's big bang in 2000 where 220 titans gathered in one place, i have validated my brotherhood's capacity for greatness. its ability to absorb big ideas. its penchant in embracing whatever advances its heritage.

and heritage is what this is all about for all of us. celebrating 40 years of unbridled growth at the peaks of john hay is really a fitting tribute to all those who have come before us. it is also a not so subtle recognition of the leaps we have taken both in the Motherland and in America, thus the joint nature of this celebration.

but heritage is also about the future. creating activities like these energize the brotherhood into preserving everything that we have accomplished. it is not another party that intoxicates us with our own hubris, it makes us keenly aware of the responsibilities of carrying on the heritage.

this is perhaps my last major chairmanship in a frat where i have taken a lot, perhaps too much, responsibility. i have reached an age where i should be taking care of other things and chairing my own little family project. and besides, florida is an inconvenient place to take care of business in manila. while all of us sweat in its preparations, those who have made it big must never forget the frat that nurtured us then and still continues to hover above us.

Cheers!

si tito, si tessie at si ed

have we ever considered how such supposedly hard-core anti-arroyo personalities could so easily embrace her in an election year and pretend that nothing unusual happened? how we think it should no longer be a surprise that these personalities who just over a year ago were clamoring for gloria arroyo's removal from office are now raising hands with her as if they've been allies all their lives. for people who are not used to these philippine style "shifts of alliances", it would seem horrendous, totally unthinkable. it's akin to john kerry jumping to the republican side simply because he was not accommodated by the Democratic leadership in some internal party squabble. the closest thing to the trio's stunt was joe liebermann's run as an independent when he lost in the democratic primaries. but even then, he continued to caucus and vote with the senate democrats when the election was over. and joe libermann's case is very rare to say the least.
how these people do it with such ease still baffles me even with some understanding of filipino politicians. of our lack of communal spirit. our loyalty is to ourselves and our own survival, not to the party that espouses our goals, nor to the country for whom such goals are supposedly intended for. for these three stooges, it doesn't matter if they would swallow their pride, stomach the face of their new leader, and run under the coalition of the president they were trying to oust two years ago, as long as they have a political party to further their own personal goals.
i'm not discussing this because i have discovered it is a new phenomenon. by no means have i ever thought that such realignments of loyalty is a novelty nor do i have the slightest delusion that these three are capable of demonstrating the highest ideals of self-sacrifice for the party, or more nobly, for the country.
even by lip-service, the concept of "motherland" or love of country is so alien to our thought and national experience. as individuals, as a community, and as a people. maybe the harsh experiences we have been through as a people have made us more greedy and less generous to the country we feel we owe nothing to. tito, tessie and ed would of course need to be in the next senate as their own agenda would dictate. it doesn't matter if it's erap's hand that raises them, or the woman they swore was a fake president. they just need to be senators again.
and who said their actions have no bearing on the national psyche? in the more polically developed democracies of the west, the sense of shame comes with the sense of loyalty. while the battle is fiercely fought through debates in the streets, in the campaign platforms, in parliaments, the civility with which decorum is upheld is very admirable. just the sense of being a democrat or a republican here in america, for example, is a deeply held sense of identity. but whether democrat or republican, such american will claim that all his or her actions as a partisan will be for the greater benefit of the country. and after having tried to absorb the american way of life for a number of years, i cannot deny the palpable patriotism even of the average citizen.
maybe that's what we are missing as a people. maybe we easily forgive the likes of tito, tessie and ed because there's a little of them in all of us. we do not value loyalty to anything, whether to a party or to our country, because our loyalty is to ourselves. if we are unable to be loyal to anything, how will love of country, the selfless kind, be any easier?
and so i hereby i predict that at least one of these three will move on to win a seat in the senate. and shift loyalty again. still for the country.

gloria, greed and the gun

an assasination is the most convenient way of eliminating political opposition. especially in a third world country like the philippines where warlords still rule the countryside, the barrel of a gun is a powerful tool in advancing political agendas. in an environment where politics is seldom governed by issues and ideas but by money and name recall, the electorate has a tendency of re-electing politicians regardless of their violent record.
look at congressman bersamin. all kinds of motive can be deduced from his assasination, but one thing clear is that 60% of the time, killings like these will never be truthfully resolved. spins by the government, or by the police, or by the family of the victim, or by their local adversaries may be floated to the public for PR purposes. but in the end, the victim is dead and everybody will nicely move on. including the victim's family.
why not. while not discounting the grief and loss that they may suffer, these heirs will eventually inherit the victim's economic and political legacy. and that legacy is enough to keep them in power, albeit locally, for a significant period of time. that's simply the nature of politics in the country. it doesn't require long resumes nor a mandarin education from the country's elite univerisities. you just need the right last name.
in that sense, it negates the impact of the assasination on the part of the opponents who may openly or secretely wish the subject dead. it even creates renewed legend on the person, and hence on the heirs of the family legacy.
some societies openly advocate assasinations as a legitimate political tool. israel for one has never been shy about its not-so-covert operations in getting rid of the leaders of hamas and fatah in the west bank and gaza. entire buildings with tens of men, women and children are bombed in gaza targetting just one or two militant leaders. israel views it as paramount to its survival as a nation that their enemies are silenced. at all costs.
i'm not dealing with this topic from the moral point of view. not that it's not important, but i''m merely discussing assasinations as effective tools in political struggles. of course, there's a right and a wrong when talking about human life, but history has shown less sympathy for persons than to the cause they, or their opponents, espouse. in the long run, history judges persons on what their contributions to their time or their movement. regardless of whether they were assasinated or lived the full life cycle.
in this backdrop, given the degree of public anger against an unpopular "president", would an assasination be a viable option for those wishing the immediate downfall of the government? and given the callousness of this government in pursuing its agenda like chaha, its obsession of perpetuating itself in power and the relative helplessness of the people in removing this impostor, would an assasination still be a logical last desparate move? would it pave the way for a new political order or would it trigger the spiralling of intensified violence? in other words, should anyone advocate taking down this president violently?
yet despite some quarters wondering aloud on where the hell is the Alex Boncayao Brigade when you most need it, i strongly believe that the more traditional ways of removing a corrupt and despotic regime is still the only way forward. gloria arroyo is on her way to landing the top spot as one of the most hated figures in philippine history, why spoil it by creating a martyr? somehow, this president's greed will only be outlived by the patience of the people. assasinating this president will never be the answer in removing her from power, instead nature will inevitably take care of her.
more violently perhaps.

gloria and her parliament

there was a time when i also believed that a parliamentary form of government would suit the philippines better. it's more democratic because it doesn't require a full-scale and costly national campaign for president. you only have a prime minister who is elected by your representatives and can be deposed anytime in a no-confidence vote. as argued, it is more responsive to the mood of the people. another advantage that made me believe that a parliament fits into our landscape is the fusion of the executive and legislative branches of government. it streamlines red tape, ccordinates policies better among all the agencies of government, and democratizes the entire government set-up because the cabinet ministers come from parliament, thus they are directly elected by the people.
well, well. if you saw the debate in the Lower House, and i emphasize the word Lower, you will find every reason to oppose the shift. in the gloria parliament being proposed (or railroaded) by her paid hacks in the rubber stamp lower house, you see the specter of legislators who will change the rules of the house and even the rules of amendments only to satisfy their desparate political ends. these locally elected neanderthals are ready to disenfranchise an entire chamber which has a wider national mandate simply because it will not dance to their obscne chaha. if this lower house decides that it wants to be the interim parliament in may, despite the objections of the senate and silent disapproval of the masses, we gain a clearer idea of how the country will be governed by this group of men and women with very little intellectual endowments. the size of their arrogance when they disregard the rights and powers of the senate is never matched by the depth and breath of their own political vocabulary. and this is the very reason why a parliamentary form of government is dangerous, very perilous indeed for the philippines.
while our experience with the parliamentary form was brief and artificial, it hardly provides us any memories of how a parliament governed. the batasan never truly governed since it was merely a smokescreen for the dictatorship. today, however, i still don't have a clear picture of what these neanderthals are picking as their model for a parliamentary form of government, the french or the british. the french is a hybrid of of a strong presidential and parliamentary forms of government. while the british rests executive powers on the prime minister who was elected by a majority of the Members of Parliament.
but whichever parliamentary model these men of exceptional lack of social sensitivity choose, they will pick a system that suits their own parochial interests. they will devise the system in such a way that will make it easier for them to bring pork to their districts and even to their own queridas. they will pick a system that will make it easier, yes it can still be pushed, to cheat in elections and get away with it. and remember that because the parliament exercises the ultimate collective political power in the country with the capacity to recall a sitting prime minister, rules will be constantly changed by these pachyderms to further their political and economic interests. anybody who sincerely believes that there's no money going around in the batasan right now to smoothen the landing of ratsada ni gloria sa camara must have been too far alienated from the unelected president's perfected skills at wealth distribution. then begin to imagine what they can do together as one reunited species of political animals in a zoo called the philippine parliament.
and that's a lot of difference from the already corrupt system that we have today. while today the congress is just one of the three co-equal branches of government, tomorrow's parliament becomes the sole source of political power. imagine the same retards you saw debating a while ago on ANC as the next members of parliament. imagine the same gang whose main source of political training in political sophistication and fairness was to act the cristo sa sabungan, would you trust your future in a parliament run by these dimwits.
and the shamelessness by which they are pursuing their dream of a philippine parliament is astounding. they are counting on the people's apathy on national issues no matter how criminal their intent may be. they are counting on the fact that gone are the days when filipinos would still be outraged when their basic human dignity is trampled upon. they are counting on the people to stay home in much the same way they did when garci escaped, was hunted down, and came back to the country almost like a returning hero. to add insult to injury, garci even has the audacity to run for congress, or parliament, as the case may be. and with his sponsor's backing, he may well land a seat in the country's new house of horror.
sadly, if all these are to happen and gloria's ratsada succeeds, the filipino people have indeed lost their mojos.

buhay pinoy

mababaw lang ang paksang ito. porma ng mga pinoy sa amerika. bakit naglipana ang mga naka-levi's 501 sa bay area, bakit me last supper ang mga komedor ng mga tiyahin natin, at bakit wala nang ibang ulam sa mga parting pinoy kundi sotanghon, barbeque, dinuguan, lumpiang shanghai, at kung talagang espesyan ang okasyon, lechon.
pero di ko talaga maipapaliwanag lahat. basta ang alam ko, malalaman mo kung kelan sumalta ang noypi sa lupang pangako kung ano ang porma nya. kunyari naka-levi's 501, sports shirt na naka tuck-in at le tigre ang tatak, naka sperry topsiders at puting medyas, itaga mo sa mukha ng mga kaaway ko, 80s dumating yan. yan kasi ang uso sa pinas nung 80s. ayon sa mga eksperto, di na makakapag-palit ng porma ang mga kababayan nating yan pagdating dito lalo na't medyo lampas na sa inosenteng isip. malilito na kasi sila sa dami ng klase ng porma dito kaya dun na lang siya sa dati nyang japorms. for better or for worse. pati sayaw nyan ay di na rin magbabago. kahit anong tugtog, akala nya borderline ni madonna pa rin ang sinasayawan nya.
kung 50 pataas naman ang edad ng tiyuhin natin dito, malamang naka-pamada yang akala nya ay uso pa rin si pete matipid ni chiquito. umalis kasi sa pinas yan nung late 60s hanggang early 70s. malamang ay mahilig din sa wool na pantalon yan na otso diretsong unat na unat ang palitid ng plantsa. mocasin ang hilig nyang sapatos at medyas na me parang lambat-lambat. si misis naman ay iba ang hitsura pag nasa bahay lang at iba pag matindihan ang okasyon tulad ng kasalan. hahahahaha! ang ibig kong sabihin e talagang iba. naka-lobo at sing-tigas ng accent nya ang buhok ng tiyahin natin. si susan roces kasi ang uso nung lumipad siya papunta dito.
e bakit nga puro lumpyang shanghai, sotanghon, dinuguan at barbeque ang handa pag may party sa kapitbahay? sa pinas naman di ganyan ang mga handa. pag me party kang napuntahan sa anumang sulok ng amerika na pinoy ang nagpatawag at wala ang dalawa sa apat na yan, i-report nyo lang sa blog na to. di tama yan. actually, di ko rin alam ang dahilan. di pa siguro nasasaliksik ng mga eksperto. di ko rin alam kung bakit me last supper sa mga dining room ng mga pinoy, bakit me grotto sa kanto ng bakuran, o bakit me rosaryo sa mga kotse natin.
di ko rin alam kung bakit mahilig ang mga tiyuhin natin sa 80s model na mercedes benz o toyota camry at bakit di bumibili ng dodge, chevy, o ford taurus ang mga pinsan natin.
at di ko rin alam kung bakit pinipilit akong kastilain ng mga espanyol at di naman marunong mag-tagalog ang mga batang pinoy. yun lang, nakakalito kasi....

manila

as the plane prepared to land in the city i've always called home, nothing felt unusual even after 15 months of absence in manila. looking out from the plane's window, darkness enveloped the usually brightly-lit skyline of the city. melenyo, the typhoon that ravaged the country just the day before i arrived had exacted its toll on a landscape that is barely holding on to order. even as the plane touched down 20 minutes earlier than scheduled, we got out from the tarmac 20 minutes later since only one gate was open. and the only thing missing in the airport's sauna atmosphere was the warm steam spewing from the mouths of its unfriendly personnel. it used to be that i resented overseas filipinos who had everything but complaints about the homeland. i resent the tone of their sanctimoniousness, the arrogance of their discomfort and their disdain for their country of birth. at that hour in the airport, however, i could no longer blame them.
and so i began my 3-week vacation in the homeland. i didn't expect anything spectacularly different since i've only been away for 15 months. it's obviously much longer than my previous sojourns abroad, but this time it's not just a sojourn, i actually live in america.
but manila has been my home for most of my adult life. i have built my strongest relationships in this chaotic and environmentally hazzardous city. i am still more familiar with its every corner than i am oriented on where the nearest asian store is in sarasota. i understand its slang, i appreciate the value of its u-turns than any westerner does and regardless of my contempt with its politicians, i understand their lingo and can decipher their motives. yes, much more than i understand how the Democratic victory in the mid-terms would impact the race for hillary in 2008. and it sank in as soon as i woke up the next morning.
so i began my vacation having the sensation that i still live in manila. i re-behaved like a filipino living in the philippines. as i was driven to manila for the first party i was about to attend, i didn't mind that it took us 3 hours to travel from makati to quezon city. i expected it. i didn't watch the local news in the same way that i didn't watch 24 oras on pinoy tv because gloria's face still upsets me. so i watched eat bulaga and escaped the torture of seeing the clowns who call themselves the leaders of my country.
of course, my trip was about seeing family and friends, not about reminiscing the things that made me leave the country. my trip was about attending my best friend's wedding. it was about reconnecting with my closest friends in the medical school, not about coming to terms with the philippines' future. or the lack of it. and as i went through the process of going back to my old life in manila, i began to realize what i've been missing. although things are much different now since most of my friends have married, there's still the psychological element of proximity. then i began to miss the privileges of home.
who would have thought that i would even toy about the idea of coming home for good. manila's festive atmosphere indeed didn't prepare me for this slight dilemma. i said slight because it's not easy leaving the life i've acceleratedly built in america. but for one minute i thought about selling my newly purchased little castle in florida. i contemplated on leaving behind the life i've preached about to those i brainwashed in the philippines. in that moment of nostalgia, i was almost prepared to turn my back on something others could only dream of.
sooner than i can decide on the issue, however, it's been three weeks and it was time to leave. the manila airport was no longer spewing with fire when i left. still not as sleek as the tampa airport, it was certainly more pleasant than on the night of sept 29th when the temp was 100 degrees fahrenheit with 90% humidity. during my flight back to florida, i was plotting my return to power in the philippines. so to speak.
but the air in america does something to people. when i landed in tampa, things began to shift a little. now i again appreciate the cool crisp air of autumn. suddenly, i was in wider roads with drivers travelling in straight lines. as i turned on my plasma tv when i got home, the excitement of the forthcoming Democratic victory in november was extremely palpable. george bush would indeed be a lameduck president as the age of reason beaconed in the home of the brave. america would find its voice again.
i'm glad to be home.

silence

all throughout my adult life, words have always been my strongest allies. they give me a deep sense of empowerment. they provide me a sensation of creating different realities without lying. words advance thoughts even without the use of grand but meaningless gestures.

unlike most people, i discovered this gift in the most unprofound manner. boredom during that summer when my academically-challenged friends were busy in their summer classes, i took the test that changed the way i used words. it turned out that the varsitarian battery of essay tests with hundreds of other wanna-be-writers can be life changing. never mind the new-found friends, never mind the love that haunted me far longer than i wanted and never mind that the annual "workshop" junkets taught me more than just writing techniques. the whole writing experience opened my world to the power of words.

and i've used it, wantonly and otherwise, to drive home my point. my point has not always been pointless, but words emboldened me to push my fortunes. i wasn't gifted with a long attention span to read enough in the medical school, so i used my words to struggle my way to obtain my MD. i didn't have the patience for research when i was in the varsitarian, so out of my verbose brain came out nicely opinionated articles. i didn't and still don't have the initiative to do the job of a foot soldier, so i talked my way to becomming a commander.

however, words can be rendered less potent if preceded by words not previously kept. or words that are untrue nor meaningless. as our workshops would always preach, form without substance is just that, without substance. its failure to command people and ideas would not only negate its intent, it would also energize the enemy. and in life where success is defined by a victory in the battle for ideas and people, skill in the command of words is almost inescapable.

but lately i've discovered the eloquence in silence. when confronted by senseless blabber in the midst of mindless thoughts that refuse to fly, my reaction in my younger days would have been to confront the stupidity and punish the stupid. i would have pretended that i didn't notice the idiocy and continued the engagement. i would then abruptly crush the message and make the messenger burn in the fire of his own nonsense.

age certainly does something to people. i wouldn't say it's a mellowing of my temperament nor have i reached a higher level of tolerance. i wouldn't even say it's wisdom.
maybe i'm just tired.

Exile

when one is lost in the anonimity of america, one longs for the privileges and comforts of home. when one is drowned by the multitude of faces, of skin colors that sometimes belie the language they speak, he longs for the dialect and accent he is used to. maybe i just miss home, but now i don't know if i can live here until retirement.

and where shall i go home to? the country of my birth is still in a quagmire of difficulties which are the very reasons for my leaving. the uncertainty of its political and economic future. the astonishing disappearance of the middle class either to poverty or to nursing school. the unabashed shamelessness of an unelected, unelectable "president". the law of diminishing return cannot be less adequate in describing the state of the country i called home.

so i am an exile. waiting for things to miraculously turn around in a nation wasted by other people's greed. in the meantime, i'll savor the freedoms of disneyland and universal studios while these overweight americans beside me wallow in their own world of credit card make believe.