biting cold

i'm a frequent visitor to new jersey and new york. for a long time now, i've considered central jersey my home away from home besides aurora, colorado. i've lived there longer than any other place in the united states aside from my present residence in florida. and of course, colorado is home to most of my family in america. in a fifty mile radius, about 40 cousins on the cadiz side have called aurora home for many decades now.

but the northeast has always been special. the magic of new york never fails to hold me in awe whenever i visit. for a long time, i fancied looking forward to living there except that now the practicalities of living in such a complex and impractical city always catches up with me. having lived in suburban america for almost three years now, my need for more living space takes precedence over the thought of living under the glittering lights of the big apple. how could i, for example, find and ultimately be able to afford a property with a pool there? maybe in jersey. but even in jersey, you have to close the pool for four of the 12 months of the year because of freezing.

and for the three days that i stayed there last weekend, i got so tired of the 40 degree cold. it was nice in the first 4 hours, but when it had become so difficult to smoke, to walk without shoes and practically to walk anywhere without the heavy clothing, it just got very irritating.

then i appreciated how lucky i am to live in florida. it can get cold too down here, but not cold enough to forgo of smoking. and even when the temperature drops, there's always the sun shining ever brightly in the sunshine state. in my three days in NY/NJ, the sun never showed up even once. this explains much of the increase in the consumption of anti-depressants in the northern states. not to mention the consequent surge in suicides in those dreary and gloomy 4-season states during the autumn and winter.

but i like new jersey. i am more familiar with its routes and jughandles than i am with most places in northern florida. i like the diverse characteristics of its population, the compactness of this small but prosperous state, its closeness to a host of major metropolitan areas. aside from new york, boston and the rest of new england, baltimore, the DC area, philadelphia and even toronto are all within driving distance. the size of its filipino population is such that you won't miss seeing a pinoy in any mall or park speaking either filipino or english with that distinctly elegant accent.

i still have extended family in NJ. my cousin and uncle have moved down here to florida even before i did but i still have very strong links remaining in the garden state. i think i'd still visit NJ even if i head west to california.

but i'd probably prefer to do so in the spring.

my old life

home is where you make it. for almost three years now, florida has been home to me and i have no complaints. except for the short period of autumn weather during the winter, southwest florida's weather, minus the excruciating humidity, resembles that of the philippines in october to december. it's lack of extreme heat or cold suits my complacent attitude and the palm trees can pass as my visualization of coconuts in my home province. except for the relatively small number of filipinos here, i've felt pretty much at home in florida.

despite this, however, home is also where i grew up in. for all its urban chaos, manila's unexplainable charm still haunts me. it generates more memories of a not so distant life that i think i lived well while i was there. i have learned to survive its mammoth traffic, the irritating familiarity of its people and the seemingly constant struggle for power, the petty kind of power.

the constancy of its social life, the dependability with which you can summon anyone for a whole night of outing in manila's lively nightlife is simply not found anywhere else. why people call new york the city that never sleeps just escapes me. manila's entertainment districts are still filled with insomniacs at 5:00 am while it would have been extremely difficult to find a club in manhattan that is still open at 1:00 am. true, reminders of manila's status as a third world capital are clearly visible even in the high end areas thanks to the annoying sound of the jeepney's diesel engine, i must say that i am still most comfortable at its more exclusive watering holes. not that i savor the social divide that is still much of a fact of life in my country, but sometimes the overblown egalitarian ways of america also have their disadvantages.

so i miss manila and my former life. i am not sure if i would still be able to reclaim my old life even if i decide to move back there. most of the people who have surrounded me three years ago have themselves had their own lives changed without going anywhere else. anytime now, my best friend would become a father, my fraternity brothers have taken their medical careers seriously and sampaloc's ever rising floods have made the frat house a difficult meeting place.

but i'll try anyway. i'm hoping that for the several weeks that i'm there, i have retained the power to summon my friends. maybe my old life is still there.

aktibista

i have never identified myself with the political left in the philippines. i have always thought that the age of class struggle is long over and what was needed was sweeping reform that starts from the top. images of the Kilusang Mayo Uno, Bayan, League of Filipino Students and other left-leaning organizations incessantly take the streets and attack the bourgeoisie while vainly attempting to assault every government that came to power just got too old. even during my social awakening days at the varsitarian, the only place in santo tomas where the Left made a dent, i was never drawn to its ideas, much less join its many protest actions.

what it did was open my eyes to the existence of a parallel society in my country. the marcos years saw a cosmetic make-over that primarily intended to put away images of dire poverty in The New Society. this segment of the population that was desparately yearning to be heard, was muffled by the sounds of the orderly march of Bagong Lipunan. while the ascent of cory aquino in 1986 paved the way for the leftist elements to come out in the open and participate in the political process, it was later drowned by the return of old politics within just a couple of years of the new regime. the flimsiness of its base support which consisted mainly of its armed component, the New People's Army, organized labor, organized peasantry and a small percentage of the intellegentsia did not match the depth and power of mainstream political forces.

mainstream politics that hardly has any set of beliefs. mainstream politics that lacks any intellectual substance. mainstream politics that thrives mostly on its ability to unabashedly use money and patronage politics to remain in power. for the duration of the country's existence since independence, it has been this brand of politics that was solely responsible for the country's decline and the moral corruption of the people. the absence of real political parties has seriously undermined the accountability of those in power and resulted in the shameless looting of the nation's wealth. from one government to the next. from one promise to the next. from macapagal to macapagal-arroyo, the philippines sank deeper and deeper.

but the Left hardly appealed to my political senses. its loud methods and tired slogans against the US-Marcos, US-Aquino and US-Ramos regimes seemed like worn propaganda straight from 19th century Marxist-Leninist pamphlets. the very idea that one class needed to be dismantled in order to establish a new proletarian order was in itself already problematic. coming from a middle class, medium scale landowning clan, i did not just feel alienated from its tirades against the bourgeoisie, but the sheer violence that the movement was prescribing in order to effect reforms was shivering. this added to the fact that the genteel grounds of UST's campus did not provide fertile soil for these "progressive" thoughts.

for almost 20 years at that time, the leftist movement in the philippines under the moral and military leadership of the communist party appeared headed for a strategic victory when the marcos government seemed to be on a decline following the assassination of ninoy aquino. the CPP-NPA was the single largest resistance against the strongman that any collapse of the present order at that time would necessarily involve, if not dominated by the Left. the EDSA revolution of 1986, however, erupted and the military came to fill that power vacuum. in the initial euphoria of establishing the first post-marcos government in 20 years, every element of society that participated in the struggle were invited to participate in the beginning. cory aquino, chummy with the leftist elements that stood beside her long before the named politicos joined the bandwagon, had to share the table with the military that ultimately brought her to power.
but while mainstream political forces were gearing for the first real elections in 14 years in their own provinces, the Left and the Right were slugging it out at the presidential table. this was classically represented by johnny enrile of the military Right vs bobbit sanchez of militant Left.

in a matter of weeks during those tumultuous times in the capital, when aquino announced her firing of both leaders from her cabinet along with other personalities, the unstable coalition among all the forces that brought down the marcos regime was finally crumbling. it signaled the end of the Right vs Left telenovela within the government as well as the slide of the so-called progressive elements back into their days in the streets. they have been banished from the establishment.

election after election, the Left through its various front organizations fielded candidates in an electoral environment where the rules were set comfortably by those that were left behind in the reinforced, new establishment. the tactics used by these self-proclaimed revolutionaries were the same as when they were still in protest marches for their progressive advocacies. and while the moral compass was shifting to them somewhat by a public that was now asking those in power about the lack of progress on the promised reforms, the answers didn't come fast as the newly minted, the newly powerful are just starting to warm their asses on their newly renovated offices. as the post-marcos governments reneged or failed to deliver on the promises of democracy and economic recovery. the people's apathy towards government and society became more evident. ironically, however, it still wasn't fashionable to don the red attire of the aktibista.

the aktibista, regardless of its higher claim to social and political thought, were again relegated to a lower status in the new universe of cory aquino. the resurgence of the insulares and peninsulares in society and inside malacanang, as well as the expanding business opportunities for the burgeoning chinese community with the dismantling of several industrial and crop monopolies, were bullish about the larger space. the old pre-marcos political parties realigned and resulted in a conflagration of groupings that share little political principles, but are loosely bound by the more urgent need to be in power. they are comprised of personalities that range from the very old political families to the new set of political animals that seemed to have emerged out of nowhere. these newcomers, nouveau as they are called in the upper circles, are hungrier, more greedy and lack any political sophistication. they view political power as their coming out party into society. the declaration of their new wealth.

the emergence of these new dynamics in politics particularly in the countryside where these new political entities showed up perhaps contributed to the Left's further slide. the brief economic boom of the 90s made possible the creation of a limited but larger than usual liquid money for more people than before. these new politicos, eager to retain whatever standing they think they have attained in society, are willing to spend their life's savings just to retain their positions as mayors, congressmen, governors, or even councilors. taking the lead from their more seasoned predecessors, every city, municipality or province was virtually sold to the highest bidder.

while this kind of politics gave the left the moral ammunition to attack the ruling system, it also left them with fewer potential supporters on the ground. enterprising henchmen would rather work for the evil that pays than for the evil that kills. more and more, the relevance of the leftist movement came into question. throughout the 90s, various data from both the government and NGOs indicated a steep decline in the forces of the NPA. as the socialist regimes of eastern europe collapsed, the force of their persuasion eroded considerably especially among the middle class. the brief boom demonstrated the inherent capacity of economic development to counteract any insurgent socialist cause. it also helps eliminate the sources of discontent in the countryside and in the urban work force.

but that boom was very short-lived. the ripple that started in bangkok reached manila as the full-blown asian financial crisis in 1997. once again, the optimism that pervaded the philippines in the 90s vanished completely as estrada and arroyo came to power. perceptions of corruption became validated cases of plunder on these two governments. arroyo's persistent clamping of civil and political liberties in order to preserve power mobilized all sectors of society into mass actions reminiscent of the 80s anti-marcos demonstrations. once again, the Left is in the thick of things. again, the Left is proving its versatility and staying power.

the Left's role in the philippines is now being redefined as its legal arm has joined the political process. several seats in congress are not occupied by people who identify themselves as those of the Left. they are still tackling the age-old advocacies of labor, the peasantry and human rights, but its alignment with mainstream political parties provide it a new platform. how far it will go in its alliances with the political opposition in the struggle against arroyo remains to be seen. based on the pronouncements of its main characters in congress, the left remains unshaken in its socialist objectives.

i have virtually grown up watching the Left shift battles and change villains, but has remained single-minded in improving the human condition. perhaps unique among all the socialist movements in other parts of the world, the Philippine Left has been relatively untainted by corruption. regardless of the questions on its methods in obtaining power, its patriotism and sincerity are seldom, if at all, came into question. the frugal lifestyle of its leaders are in stark contrast to the ostentatious lives of their mainstream counterparts.

i am seriously rethinking the socialist path. i have given up on the hope that an inspiring leader from the center is still attainable. it is made harder by the fact that corruption, incompetence and the propensity for abuse have become synonymous with the traditional politician. the bankruptcy of ideas in government is largely the reflection of the incompetence that thrives well in the traditional philippine political setting.

i am still not a socialist though. it would not be fair for them who have spent their whole lives studying socialism and literally laying their lives for the struggle. i now see socialism in a new light as i am beginning to consider that it might be the only answer to my country's woes. unlike the other members of the Philippine Left, however, i am still inclined to advocate traditional means to obtain power and effecting progressive reforms thereafter.

that is hardly a socialist statement.

in god's name

if someone were to ask me 15 years ago on what i felt most passionate about, i would have said god, country, family, people. it sounds like a mindless politician's slogan for another mindless election, but that was how i felt. in a religious country like the philippines, the concept of being religious and spirituality are completely interchangeable. to be spiritual is to believe in god, be a serious member of an established faith, in most instances catholic, and carry out the dictates of that faith.

in most instances, i followed that path as most young filipinos enrolled in sectarian catholic institutions. my catholic formation couldn't have been more hifalutin in the philippine setting. dominican friars were my role models as i was growing up in the conservative confines of santo tomas. we were bombarded with religious instruction every day not only on the generalities of the faith, but on the specifics of their dogma and how they apply to secular existence. in the pontifical university, we prayed before and after each subject with the entire rosary recited during the whole month of october. for such piety and loyalty to the holy mother the church, we were always graced by the Pope's presence every time His Holiness was in town. as the Church's primary agents of educating the faithful, our dominican mentors were the true soldiers of the church in their fulfillment of their holy mandate.

but besides making sure that i understood my faith's dogmas and doctrines, i thought that i was being consistent with being an ordinary, church-going christian. i believed that by being a good son of the church, my personal struggles would seem easier because of divine intervention. if it meant going to church every day to seek my personal petitions, so be it. if it meant praying the rosary every night besides those done in the classroom, so be it. every day, i was counting my blessings and seeking atonement for my sins. lest it be misconstrued, however, i was no saint. i approached religion from a more theoretical perspective, hence the obedience was more mechanical than practical, more distant than personal, and it banked on the whole premise that attaining eternal life had a fixed formula to follow.

my initial formation was therefore founded on a very stringent conservative catholic backdrop. my social principles all emanated from this orientation. rabidly anti-abortion regardless of the pregnancy's circumstances, i also believed that religious instruction must also be available in public schools. i believed that the Church had the divine right and responsibility to use the pulpit to push for what it deems is right and just. above all, i believed that the country's success all depended on its people's re-conversion. that any meaningful national recovery would involve arousing the people's faith and getting them to be involved in nation building with their conscience as the main driving force. and i trusted that my church was the logical positive force in that regard.

my christian formation proved indispensable in reinforcing that religious fervor. coupled with my parents' serious and sincere involvement with the church and the burgeoning charismatic movement at that time, i thought i would be a man whose ideals would unshakably be conservative.

but too much of something can indeed be a bad thing. while i continued to participate in activities that enhanced my own spirituality, i was noticing the dominant role the church was playing in my country's affairs. i agreed in theory with this principle in the beginning. but my exposure to the more liberal elements of society became more common particularly in the varsitarian, logic began to interfere in my faith. i started to reassess the "go and multiply" dictum of the church while i see the increasing misery of my countrymen in the face of such astonishing population growth. i began to view the hierarchy of my church as insensitive to the sufferings of the people despite the overwhelming science against unbridled, unchecked population increase. its vehemence in insisting its stand against responsible family planning was perhaps what set off my drift away from my church. how can a bunch of celibates credibly lecture other people about family planning? how can these supposed intellectuals of the church force the argument against the fact the when one million new filipinos are born each year, the nation's food production and job creation will be perpendicularly exhausted because they simply cannot catch up?

the impact might be ignored in the more secular societies in western europe and to a certain extent the united states, but in catholic philippines, this poses a real problem. to date, no philippine administration has successfully implemented a true family planning program save for the iron fist of marcos during martial law while protestant ramos' efforts at addressing the population issue was perpetually hounded by the church throughout his term.

then my stand on abortion shifted dramatically as well. it further hardened as my political ideology moved farther and farther to the left. i began to view the church as a force perpetually opposed to progress as it undermined embryonic stem cell research, the darwinian principle and the indisputable data of population overgrowth. it has consistently failed to respond credibly to challenges to long-standing disputes on these various social issues. it had continued to invoke the power of the pulpit and hide in the cassocks of blind faith. they have continuously derided its critics and those whose positions are not supportive of the church's as enemies of the faith. some have been so unfortunate as to be declared heretics and countless of them were burned to death.

i am not saying that this institution has lost all its usefulness in society. for a people who rely on religion as their source of hope, the church remains an instrument of moral formation. its deeply held beliefs on what is right and wrong are useful guides for people who truly regard them as a genuine source of goodness. despite the catholic church's sometimes atrocious record to humanity in causing death and suffering to people with a set of beliefs separate from the christian hegemony, much can be learned about its history. while it has never really apologized to its victims during the crusades, the inquisition and its painful silence while the carnage that was the holocaust was underway, there might be signs of atonement from the institution that has always taught about humility and the value of forgiveness. two popes have now revisited the lands that christianity's former princes were perpetually trying to "recover" from the moors in a gesture of reconciliation and maybe, forgiveness.

but my drift away from faith seemed unstoppable. i was simply unable to reconcile certain truths about humanity and salvation. about the preponderance of one faith over the other. about the improbability of the absoluteness of each truth against another truth. while similarities in the stories of most faiths and the commonality of the three major religions' (judaism, christianity and islam) root history of a single deity, one's claim against the other as the one true faith creates doomsday scenario for those who happen to belong to what ends up as false religion. this parochial and arrogant claim to exclusive salvation based on creed defies logic and is very divisive. despite our level of social advancement,this divisiveness has brought us to all these sectarian strife that are erupting everywhere. from palestine to northern ireland, kosovo to banda aceh, today's religious extremism is but a snapshot of all the crimes committed in the name god.

i might never go back to the day when i completely surrendered my destiny to a force other than what i see. i might never again believe that my catholicism is the one true path to where everyone imagines they want to be. perhaps one day, however, we can just respect other people's beliefs and try to imagine that we might all end up in that one place. that one true place.

passing on

i saw the face of death almost everyday in medical clerkship. every time the word "mayday" was yelled across the medicine ward of the clinical hospital, the smell of death lingered incessantly until the senior medical resident called the effort to revive the half-dead patient over. from minutes to an hour or so, we believed it was our christian duty to spare no time and expense to bring back those who nature are calling back into its bosom. it was our professional duty too that we do everything physiologically possible to see to it that death does not become necessary all the time.

but in almost half of these cases, death was indeed necessary. either due to longstanding conditions that have taken their toll on their non-superhuman bodies or to sudden turns of fate like a stabbing or a gunshot, life ends and we all move on. the ritual of pumping their chests to stimulate renewed heart activity is so ingrained in my memory that i can do it anytime even after 10 years without practice. whenever i did cardiac pumping, i always looked at the patient's eyes in an attempt to peek into what was going on deep inside them. most of the time i found the pain in their faces that was probably brought about by the failure of the various systems in their body. unlike other people, however, i do not find poetry in their eyes as they struggle for their own survival. when i had to do CPR on my own father, i sensed the peace and closure that he had longed for. his five years of sufferings were probably enough.

these days, i hear of people passing on more frequently than i did several years ago. maybe because i have reached an age when the people i knew when i was growing up are reaching their "life-expectancy" limits. the cycle is being completed. i would learn that my godfather from this place has died or my mother's friend from that place has also passed on. my aunt from colorado, my uncles from bicol and laguna, even my very first friend in our neighborhood in sariaya has fallen victim to a violent end.

i myself do not expect to live forever. i become more conscious of my own mortality every time i hear about people i know passing on. my own bout with a life-threatening condition 11 years ago always reminds me of my own vulnerability. every potential infection, every fever that i have, every joint pain, every bruise are all warning signs that are important markers for my own survival. nothing can be left to chance. my immune system is not as tough as my classmates in med school nor my co-residents in rehab. so i had more precautionary measures than everybody else whenever one or more of our patients are suspected to have some kind of infection.

but death is hard to cheat. it is a lingering presence as we drive at 90 mph in the freeway. it is our constant companion every time we fly even on the safest planes. it is always a threat whenever we let ourselves go under the knife even in the most benign of procedures.

and most of the time we escape death and move on. only to move ever closer the the thing we have always dreaded. closer and closer.

my calesa rides

when i was a small boy, every trip to manila was a treat. my father would bring me to his escolta office, shop the nicest clothes for me in what was then manila's finest shopping district, buy me gold fish that i never learned to take care for, and we would always dine in his favorite restaurants. sometimes my mother would tag along. it was not necessarily good news since my mother tended to control my father's spendings for me. sort of the family's conscience for fiscal discipline. in those times, family was just me, my father and my mother. my sister was not due to arrive until i was about ready to go to school.

in my moments of toddler whim, i'd ask my father to go home from his office on board the traditional calesa. and in his moments of deep fondness for his only son, he would gladly oblige. to the amusement of our neighbors in manila, my father and i would grandly arrive in the not so fashionable calesa. in those times in the early 70s, pollution was not much of a problem, traffic jams were unheard of, but riding the calesa was still not a lifestyle statement.

so early in life i've developed a taste for traveling and all its trappings from a person who hardly went anywhere. my father liked good food, nice clothes, very fancy shoes, but never went very far. literally. it maybe that he lacked the opportunity, but there's no doubt in my mind that he would have been everywhere only if he wanted to. stubbornness is a trait truly native to the cadiz gene. ironically too, he initially constrained my freedom of movement for sheer fright that i might be hit by a bus or by lightning. but my tantrums proved more powerful than his fright, so i was able to go around provided his appointed chaperone for me would hold me on a short leash. my father wanted to make sure that i would make it into adulthood unscathed, undamaged by any natural or man-made accidents. perhaps my frequent rides on the calesa my father started what would be an enriching voyage throughout my chaotic but beautiful country.

so i began a long and productive journey as soon as i stepped out of high school. modestly in the beginning with low-budget trips to places like baguio and sagada, each trip would educate me in more ways than i would learn inside the box in the university. even a short ride to intramuros with my cousins was such a fulfilling undertaking at that time. industrial laguna, nowhere in the travelers' guide for places to see in the philippines, was such a respite from my hectic days in college. day trips such as those encouraged me to see my country more and crave for the more exotic destinations in the 7,107-island archipelago.

exotic like banaue and surigao. magnificent like mayon in albay and boracay in aklan. secluded and pristine like narra and el nido in palawan.

and tucked in a hidden peninsula in bicol right at luzon's southern edges, i discovered a tiny settlement with an out-of-this-world bay that would put phuket to shame. inhabited by poor bicolanos in what is probably a 5th class municipality, getting there was no easy task. we went there on a medical mission with my brothers so little was expected as far as accommodations were concerned. but when the work was accomplished and it was time to hit the local attractions, there beaconed towering limestone formations typical of what can be found in some of central china's provinces. scattered along the coast for a few miles and into the bay itself, these limestone formations provided a backdrop to a beautiful white sand beach. the crystal blue waters of the tiny peninsula gleamed in front of such an untouched, undisturbed peninsula. the wonderful thing about this place is that getting there is a major project in itself with a very inhospitable terrain making sure that development would have extreme difficulty in encroaching into this secret, unexpected treasure.

up north close to the taiwan border lies batanes. certainly one of my best trips, local and otherwise, the sheer vista of this tiny province is phenomenal. every inch of this rugged archipelago of five major islands is worth every minute spent on getting there. its unique architecture is nothing like the one found in all of the philippine islands. thick-walled houses with thatched roofs that last generations is what the local people, the ivatans, call home. they add much character to the already breath-taking view of the islands. underwater, the scenery gets even better. with visibility of up to 50 feet, communing with batanes' marine wildlife is another experience all its own. for some reasons, its corals are more brightly colored, far larger, and so full of life and vigor than anything i've seen in all my years of scuba diving. the coral reef would start just a few feet from the shore and extend far into the sea. it contains such a variety of marine life in very clear waters that i wondered how in the world did this place escape the attention of scuba divers. well, that's not such a bad thing anyway. maybe batanes is better left to the ivatans than to the dangerous hands of tourism.

these trips were what made my life in the philippines worth the 35 years that i lived there. every plane that i boarded, every boat that i took, every tricycle that got me to these places were my tools in the voyages i did to see my country of birth before i move on to the world beyond.
someday i hope to resume my trips in the philippines. perhaps on a calesa, but a 747 will do just fine.

old cronies

in college, i thought that my closest buddies at that time would end up as my lifelong friends, business partners even. plans for the future usually included living in the same neighborhood, setting up a common business, being godfather and godmother to each other's children, going on trips outside the country and countless others that i was almost confident that nothing would change after 20 years. well, many of them are still around. i ended up godfather to some of their children. most of us are indeed in the same profession. but we don't live in the same neighborhood, those who attempted to go into business together ultimately burned their bridges. and some of them just faded away.

then i moved on, went to medical school and met new friends. this time, the signs of permanence are there. i joined a fraternity where commitment is, as the cliche goes, lifelong. common interests, common backgrounds and common workplaces almost ensured that separation anxiety would not be much of a problem come graduation time. despite my devotion to my frat, i had life outside of the titans. i believed in the yin-yang, the balancing of life and the forces that surround it in order to ensure that one is not blinded by one's affiliations or loyalties. so i cultivated friendships outside of the frat. i thought it was healthy. i thought that it was in my best interest that i have as many friends as possible from the most varied groupings. even from our rival frat.

so ian and the gang became the diving buddies, golfing competitors and partners in just about every crime commonly committed by young adults in their early twenties. we did not intend to plan our lives as friends. day by day, week by week, we tackled each other's struggles individually. we looked out for each other but never lost track of the notion that we were all on our own. we mapped out our plans according to our own desires and resources, not on what the common goal was. or because we simply had no common goal. our ambitions were not modest by any measure, but quite realistic given our individual capabilities and built-in (meaning family) advantages.

in other words, we took life as it came. no big deal about how long we will be together as friends. what mattered most was where things will work out best for each of us. after graduation, we took different specialties in different hospitals. we had a lull on the golf matches for a while, but ultimately the diving expeditions resumed sooner than we expected. some had children way ahead of most of us, some had domestic challenges of their own, some had occasional balance sheet issues, but we made sure we saw each other once in a while. no longer a nightly affair like during our years in med school and internship, but those brief moments are always enough.

there's really no telling who or which set of friends will stand the test of time. faces come and go and there is still no fool-proof instrument that tells us which ones are good and which ones will go quietly into the night.

we just take them as they come.

las vegas

if there's one city that's testament to both america's ingenuity and to its defiance to nature's dictates, it's las vegas. not an oasis town, not one blessed by natural resources enough to sustain a metropolis of such proportion, las vegas is right in the middle of nowhere in nevada's southwestern front.

yet it is everything that america is. a gleaming city of a billion neon lights and recreated city-hotels that mimic or even mock some of the greatest capitals of the world like paris, venice, cairo and rome, las vegas is still one developing experiment. newer showcase hotel buildings take the place of the older ones and keep the place as cutting edge as when it was first conceived by the mafioso. this continuous drive to improve and keep up with the times even if it means knocking down some of its aging iconic buildings like the stardust make las vegas a unique place. ever evolving, ever on top of the situation.

i said it is a testament to america's defiance to nature's dictates because it is really not an ideal habitat for human settlement. when i left vegas last saturday, the temperature was an oven-hot 126 degrees. i can't say it's steaming hot because as the locals would say, it's "dry heat". dry heat or not, it's still 126 degrees, it hurts the skin of your face, it creates the sensation of dyspnea in the absence of a physiological rationale, and it's just extremely hot. period. and i live in florida.

despite this excruciating climate in what is probably some of america's most inhospitable soils, or sands, las vegas survives and thrives to retain its title as the world's entertainment and gambling capital. the city has succeeded enormously in selling itself as a fun place. it is where you can smoke just about anywhere with the least amount of restrictions compared with the rest of the country. it is also where strippers are openly advertised in magazines, newspapers and the streets for every excited and excitable adult. and yet, las vegas has likewise been successful in re-packaging the city's image into one where the whole family can enjoy its many attractions.
i like vegas. almost parallel to new york, there's simply no place like it. vegas is one proof of america's capacity to build anything and everything of any size wherever it wants. even in what would ordinarily have been one sandy wasteland.

being catholic

living in the American South, i cannot escape the palpable influence of the evangelical imprint in the society. while florida has established itself apart from the Deep South despite its inescapable geography, the basic elements that constitute a southern state are still present. most ominous among these is the christian evangelical fervor of the vast majority of its people. christian fellowship groups abound in its every major and even minor roads attesting to the religious movement's impact on the floridians's religious experience. not as conservative as the other southern states such as alabama, mississippi, tenessee, the carolinas and georgia, florida is a so-called battleground state among the conservative right and the liberal left. the political make-up and social orientation of its people is more diverse and complex than the above-mentioned states probably because of its sheer physical size and proportion of its immigrant population. also, its advanced economy compared with what is known as the Deep South creates dynamics in the state that jive more with northeastern states, hence the more liberal social and political leanings. on its own, florida is the world's 15th largest economy.

and yet florida is still a bastion of the conservative evangelical movement. in philippine parlance, evangelicals are the so-called "born-again" christians. they are set-apart from the catholic faith and mainstream protestant churches in that they are more fundamentalist on issues relative to the scriptures. they are also loosely organized with no central authority like the vatican for the catholics and the parishes and dioceses of the mainstream protestant churches. inspite of their loose organization as a clearly distinguished faith, evangelicals are perhaps the most powerful religious force in america. they occupy a special place in the republican party as one of its strongest constituencies. the ideological congruence of evangelicals with conservative republicans have for years been the main driving force in the party's resurgence particularly during the bush years. himself an evangelical, george w bush has pushed extremist pro-life policies during his term. his stubborn stand against federal funding for stem cell research has been a lightning rod issue for either sides of this social divide.

on the other hand, the catholic church is still the single largest christian denomination in america. in a country where faith is one of the bases for policy and party platform, this creates a special meaning for religion and faith in general. while churches in "christian europe" are now being converted into discoteques and restaurants for the simple lack of parishioners, america still swears by the tenets of the christian faith. in all shapes and forms. it is almost a requirement for anyone running for public office especially the presidency to be seen and photographed strolling out of sunday service holding hands with his or her spouse and their children. this validates his or her adherence to family values and most importantly, to his faith. the catholic church, continuously on the rise as well because of the massive influx of predominantly catholic poles, italians and irish immigrants at the turn of the century as well as the recent wave of hispanics and filipinos, was given a tremendous boost. today, catholics comprise a good thirty percent or more of the population.

while catholics have historically not voted as a bloc in the united states, they have always leaned towards the Democratic side since immigrants seem to view this party as more friendly towards their welfare and immigration in general. but as the maturation of the catholic population in the country progressed and they became more integrated into the mainstream of american society, other issues came into play in recent years. the most important of these is abortion.

and here is where the congruence of america's major faiths happened. abortion rights has for decades been one of the main indicators of the american's social ideology. pro-life versus pro-choice has never been more evident in the aftermath of roe v wade. because the advocacy against any form of abortion has defined the american catholic church, it has found itself in a holy alliance with the evangelicals on this most important of social issues. slowly, the republican party has made inroads in the catholic population especially if one is to gauge the pronouncements of the church hierarchy on the debate. for a time, some catholic bishops wanted to deny catholic politicians their communion if they espouse a pro-choice stance. evangelicals on the other hand have consistently used its veto power in the republican party to screen its candidates based on their pro-life credentials.

although i no longer consider myself a religious catholic in the sense that i do not share many if not most of my church's dogma, i still associate myself with this group for demographic purposes. besides, i was born, raised and educated in what is perhaps one of the most catholic institutions in the world. in a country where one's character is more or less defined by the presence of absence of organized religion in his or her life, my being catholic softens my otherwise very liberal leanings. this aspect of life may seem not important in an overwhelmingly catholic country like the philippines, but in christian america, people's perceptions may change based on these factors. unlike in the philippines where one's politics is simply defined by WHO you vote for rather that WHAT you stand for, where you hang out every sunday says a lot about what you are. in other words, liberal vs conservative is an ever present fact of life in america. it is therefore not an exclusive debate among politicians, it is something that ordinary americans associate with.

this makes one's being catholic more important. living in florida with the abundance of evangelicals in my workplace, in our neighborhood and in the media makes one more conscious of his faith, or the lack of it. in my case, i am in constant evaluation of where they are in unity with catholics on social issues. i am in constant awe of the strength of this commonality between the two faiths that i even begin to wonder how they are so distant and even at odds in other parts of the world like the philippines. perhaps their common pro-life battle against the party of what they call godless liberals facilitated this ease of co-habitation. or their common stand against same-sex unions provided the added force to an already powerful Religious Right coalition.

for these scenarios i described above, living in florida as a nominal catholic becomes more interesting. but also alarming. seeing a number of filipino catholics drift politically to the Right abandoning a long relationship with the Democrats is quite disturbing. but no one can blame them especially when the republicans continue to fan the flames of their pro-life agenda as a tool to energize their base. it has been very effective in the past and will continue to be successful as long as christian america remains true to its faith.

but for those whose lives are not dictated by the pulpit, or those whose values are not limited by their own creed, this can be very troubling. troubling because it threatens his or her own liberties when religious beliefs are imposed upon everyone. and most troubling because faith should set people free, not hold them hostage to policies inspired by other people's faith.

sariaya

if i'd be ask what my hometown is, the quick answer would be manila. during the most important phase of gaining consciousness and building the adult that i've become, it was in manila that i began each and every discovery. i know its every narrow and wide street, its every high and low end watering holes, and i have a friend in perhaps each of its congressional districts.

but the first twelve years of my life was spent in a small town 120 kilometers south of the capital. in the province of quezon lies sariaya, a large municipality by population and land area, but a small one in terms of economic development. in its only catholic primary school, i had my first taste of sectarian education. despite its small and almost rustic environment, st. joseph's was big on language instruction. what public education lacked in communication skills, my primary school had a strict and somewhat harsh policy on making sure we grow up fully conversant in the king's language. and it was, and perhaps still is, famous in that regard. under the guidance of our not-so-friendly franciscan nun teachers and one very outstanding lay instuctor by the name of ms. cornejo, i began to cultivate an aptitude in both english and filipino. and this sophisticated skill i started nurturing in the little town of sariaya proved very useful when i ventured into the big city. my communication skills were so valuable when i lacked the time and disclipine to labor in the details of medical education. this too was a pivotal tool i used in establishing important connections when i joined the university's official paper, the varsitarian. the varisitarian, being the training ground for the country's foremost journalists and political leaders, played a crucial role in emphasizing discipline in both our oral and written language. a skill that is sorely missing even among today's so-called national leadership.

while i didn't stay long enough in sariaya to truly experience how it is to be a native, i understand and deeply appreciate its idiosyncrasies and uniqueness. straddled between batangas, laguna and bicol, we have an accent that at first would sound similar to batangueno. but over time, one would realize that it has a distinctive character all its own. although sariaya is now often overshadowed by lucban in its pahiyas festival, this tradition is truly original and has almost ancient roots in my hometown. my parents both grew up and lived (my mother is still alive) there all their lives so we have been in constant touch with the hometown i missed growing up in.

but not a lot of people know me in sariaya. in fact a lot of people there think my sister is the only child of my parents. my years in high school, college, medical school and the early period on my medical career took its toll in my establishing lasting relationships with the people in our town. when i come home after long months in manila, i hardly recognize the faces i saw in the streets and perhaps the situation was mutual. they didn't know me either. perhaps the only people who still know me until today are my former classmates in st. joseph's. and there's not a lot of them. and i'd be honest too, except for those who have been my classmates since kindergarten until grade 6, i don't remember most of them. the last reunion i attended some 20 years ago were filled with faces i can only faintly recall. maybe they were my classmates' classmates after i left for high school. or maybe they just matured quicker. or maybe i just have amnesia.

my twelve years in UST are still the most defining period of what i have become and what i still aspire to be. for myself and the larger society. even as i live in america now, i still appreciate the quality of education i obtained in its hallow classrooms and everything i've learned in the varsitarian. i am also particularly proud of its illustrious history and the contributions it has made for my country.

but three hours south of manila is sariaya. my true hometown.

my frat in 2007

three years ago, i dreamed of a huge celebration for my frat. one that would gather the greatest number of titans my frat has ever seen. bigger that the one i organized in subic seven years ago and more lavish than the hawaii get-together i attended in 2003. for some reason, i am fixated to gathering my brothers around me. i revel in telling stories to my younger fraternity siblings while i occupy the stage in acts i have repeated over and over in the frathouse, in medical missions, in outings and wherever i can muster a crowd. more than the philosophical and hifalutin aspect of my being a frat man, i have always subscribed to the idea that brotherhood is always about togetherness.

and this togetherness was, and still is, my inspiration in spearheading efforts to such fraternity celebrations. my frat has given so much to me that participating in, or leading efforts like these is just a small token to give back. after all, i would probably not have had the patience in medical school if not for my brothers. it has sharpened my organizational skills far more than the varsitarian ever did and honed my political instincts perhaps in much the same degree as my father did. my frat life during my formative years as a young adult was so rich, i would not trade it for anything i have ever experienced.

and my dream for this year's grand homecoming in baguio is just the culmination of a career i have created for myself in the frat. since subic's big bang in 2000 where 220 titans gathered in one place, i have validated my brotherhood's capacity for greatness. its ability to absorb big ideas. its penchant in embracing whatever advances its heritage.

and heritage is what this is all about for all of us. celebrating 40 years of unbridled growth at the peaks of john hay is really a fitting tribute to all those who have come before us. it is also a not so subtle recognition of the leaps we have taken both in the Motherland and in America, thus the joint nature of this celebration.

but heritage is also about the future. creating activities like these energize the brotherhood into preserving everything that we have accomplished. it is not another party that intoxicates us with our own hubris, it makes us keenly aware of the responsibilities of carrying on the heritage.

this is perhaps my last major chairmanship in a frat where i have taken a lot, perhaps too much, responsibility. i have reached an age where i should be taking care of other things and chairing my own little family project. and besides, florida is an inconvenient place to take care of business in manila. while all of us sweat in its preparations, those who have made it big must never forget the frat that nurtured us then and still continues to hover above us.

Cheers!

si tito, si tessie at si ed

have we ever considered how such supposedly hard-core anti-arroyo personalities could so easily embrace her in an election year and pretend that nothing unusual happened? how we think it should no longer be a surprise that these personalities who just over a year ago were clamoring for gloria arroyo's removal from office are now raising hands with her as if they've been allies all their lives. for people who are not used to these philippine style "shifts of alliances", it would seem horrendous, totally unthinkable. it's akin to john kerry jumping to the republican side simply because he was not accommodated by the Democratic leadership in some internal party squabble. the closest thing to the trio's stunt was joe liebermann's run as an independent when he lost in the democratic primaries. but even then, he continued to caucus and vote with the senate democrats when the election was over. and joe libermann's case is very rare to say the least.
how these people do it with such ease still baffles me even with some understanding of filipino politicians. of our lack of communal spirit. our loyalty is to ourselves and our own survival, not to the party that espouses our goals, nor to the country for whom such goals are supposedly intended for. for these three stooges, it doesn't matter if they would swallow their pride, stomach the face of their new leader, and run under the coalition of the president they were trying to oust two years ago, as long as they have a political party to further their own personal goals.
i'm not discussing this because i have discovered it is a new phenomenon. by no means have i ever thought that such realignments of loyalty is a novelty nor do i have the slightest delusion that these three are capable of demonstrating the highest ideals of self-sacrifice for the party, or more nobly, for the country.
even by lip-service, the concept of "motherland" or love of country is so alien to our thought and national experience. as individuals, as a community, and as a people. maybe the harsh experiences we have been through as a people have made us more greedy and less generous to the country we feel we owe nothing to. tito, tessie and ed would of course need to be in the next senate as their own agenda would dictate. it doesn't matter if it's erap's hand that raises them, or the woman they swore was a fake president. they just need to be senators again.
and who said their actions have no bearing on the national psyche? in the more polically developed democracies of the west, the sense of shame comes with the sense of loyalty. while the battle is fiercely fought through debates in the streets, in the campaign platforms, in parliaments, the civility with which decorum is upheld is very admirable. just the sense of being a democrat or a republican here in america, for example, is a deeply held sense of identity. but whether democrat or republican, such american will claim that all his or her actions as a partisan will be for the greater benefit of the country. and after having tried to absorb the american way of life for a number of years, i cannot deny the palpable patriotism even of the average citizen.
maybe that's what we are missing as a people. maybe we easily forgive the likes of tito, tessie and ed because there's a little of them in all of us. we do not value loyalty to anything, whether to a party or to our country, because our loyalty is to ourselves. if we are unable to be loyal to anything, how will love of country, the selfless kind, be any easier?
and so i hereby i predict that at least one of these three will move on to win a seat in the senate. and shift loyalty again. still for the country.

gloria, greed and the gun

an assasination is the most convenient way of eliminating political opposition. especially in a third world country like the philippines where warlords still rule the countryside, the barrel of a gun is a powerful tool in advancing political agendas. in an environment where politics is seldom governed by issues and ideas but by money and name recall, the electorate has a tendency of re-electing politicians regardless of their violent record.
look at congressman bersamin. all kinds of motive can be deduced from his assasination, but one thing clear is that 60% of the time, killings like these will never be truthfully resolved. spins by the government, or by the police, or by the family of the victim, or by their local adversaries may be floated to the public for PR purposes. but in the end, the victim is dead and everybody will nicely move on. including the victim's family.
why not. while not discounting the grief and loss that they may suffer, these heirs will eventually inherit the victim's economic and political legacy. and that legacy is enough to keep them in power, albeit locally, for a significant period of time. that's simply the nature of politics in the country. it doesn't require long resumes nor a mandarin education from the country's elite univerisities. you just need the right last name.
in that sense, it negates the impact of the assasination on the part of the opponents who may openly or secretely wish the subject dead. it even creates renewed legend on the person, and hence on the heirs of the family legacy.
some societies openly advocate assasinations as a legitimate political tool. israel for one has never been shy about its not-so-covert operations in getting rid of the leaders of hamas and fatah in the west bank and gaza. entire buildings with tens of men, women and children are bombed in gaza targetting just one or two militant leaders. israel views it as paramount to its survival as a nation that their enemies are silenced. at all costs.
i'm not dealing with this topic from the moral point of view. not that it's not important, but i''m merely discussing assasinations as effective tools in political struggles. of course, there's a right and a wrong when talking about human life, but history has shown less sympathy for persons than to the cause they, or their opponents, espouse. in the long run, history judges persons on what their contributions to their time or their movement. regardless of whether they were assasinated or lived the full life cycle.
in this backdrop, given the degree of public anger against an unpopular "president", would an assasination be a viable option for those wishing the immediate downfall of the government? and given the callousness of this government in pursuing its agenda like chaha, its obsession of perpetuating itself in power and the relative helplessness of the people in removing this impostor, would an assasination still be a logical last desparate move? would it pave the way for a new political order or would it trigger the spiralling of intensified violence? in other words, should anyone advocate taking down this president violently?
yet despite some quarters wondering aloud on where the hell is the Alex Boncayao Brigade when you most need it, i strongly believe that the more traditional ways of removing a corrupt and despotic regime is still the only way forward. gloria arroyo is on her way to landing the top spot as one of the most hated figures in philippine history, why spoil it by creating a martyr? somehow, this president's greed will only be outlived by the patience of the people. assasinating this president will never be the answer in removing her from power, instead nature will inevitably take care of her.
more violently perhaps.

gloria and her parliament

there was a time when i also believed that a parliamentary form of government would suit the philippines better. it's more democratic because it doesn't require a full-scale and costly national campaign for president. you only have a prime minister who is elected by your representatives and can be deposed anytime in a no-confidence vote. as argued, it is more responsive to the mood of the people. another advantage that made me believe that a parliament fits into our landscape is the fusion of the executive and legislative branches of government. it streamlines red tape, ccordinates policies better among all the agencies of government, and democratizes the entire government set-up because the cabinet ministers come from parliament, thus they are directly elected by the people.
well, well. if you saw the debate in the Lower House, and i emphasize the word Lower, you will find every reason to oppose the shift. in the gloria parliament being proposed (or railroaded) by her paid hacks in the rubber stamp lower house, you see the specter of legislators who will change the rules of the house and even the rules of amendments only to satisfy their desparate political ends. these locally elected neanderthals are ready to disenfranchise an entire chamber which has a wider national mandate simply because it will not dance to their obscne chaha. if this lower house decides that it wants to be the interim parliament in may, despite the objections of the senate and silent disapproval of the masses, we gain a clearer idea of how the country will be governed by this group of men and women with very little intellectual endowments. the size of their arrogance when they disregard the rights and powers of the senate is never matched by the depth and breath of their own political vocabulary. and this is the very reason why a parliamentary form of government is dangerous, very perilous indeed for the philippines.
while our experience with the parliamentary form was brief and artificial, it hardly provides us any memories of how a parliament governed. the batasan never truly governed since it was merely a smokescreen for the dictatorship. today, however, i still don't have a clear picture of what these neanderthals are picking as their model for a parliamentary form of government, the french or the british. the french is a hybrid of of a strong presidential and parliamentary forms of government. while the british rests executive powers on the prime minister who was elected by a majority of the Members of Parliament.
but whichever parliamentary model these men of exceptional lack of social sensitivity choose, they will pick a system that suits their own parochial interests. they will devise the system in such a way that will make it easier for them to bring pork to their districts and even to their own queridas. they will pick a system that will make it easier, yes it can still be pushed, to cheat in elections and get away with it. and remember that because the parliament exercises the ultimate collective political power in the country with the capacity to recall a sitting prime minister, rules will be constantly changed by these pachyderms to further their political and economic interests. anybody who sincerely believes that there's no money going around in the batasan right now to smoothen the landing of ratsada ni gloria sa camara must have been too far alienated from the unelected president's perfected skills at wealth distribution. then begin to imagine what they can do together as one reunited species of political animals in a zoo called the philippine parliament.
and that's a lot of difference from the already corrupt system that we have today. while today the congress is just one of the three co-equal branches of government, tomorrow's parliament becomes the sole source of political power. imagine the same retards you saw debating a while ago on ANC as the next members of parliament. imagine the same gang whose main source of political training in political sophistication and fairness was to act the cristo sa sabungan, would you trust your future in a parliament run by these dimwits.
and the shamelessness by which they are pursuing their dream of a philippine parliament is astounding. they are counting on the people's apathy on national issues no matter how criminal their intent may be. they are counting on the fact that gone are the days when filipinos would still be outraged when their basic human dignity is trampled upon. they are counting on the people to stay home in much the same way they did when garci escaped, was hunted down, and came back to the country almost like a returning hero. to add insult to injury, garci even has the audacity to run for congress, or parliament, as the case may be. and with his sponsor's backing, he may well land a seat in the country's new house of horror.
sadly, if all these are to happen and gloria's ratsada succeeds, the filipino people have indeed lost their mojos.

buhay pinoy

mababaw lang ang paksang ito. porma ng mga pinoy sa amerika. bakit naglipana ang mga naka-levi's 501 sa bay area, bakit me last supper ang mga komedor ng mga tiyahin natin, at bakit wala nang ibang ulam sa mga parting pinoy kundi sotanghon, barbeque, dinuguan, lumpiang shanghai, at kung talagang espesyan ang okasyon, lechon.
pero di ko talaga maipapaliwanag lahat. basta ang alam ko, malalaman mo kung kelan sumalta ang noypi sa lupang pangako kung ano ang porma nya. kunyari naka-levi's 501, sports shirt na naka tuck-in at le tigre ang tatak, naka sperry topsiders at puting medyas, itaga mo sa mukha ng mga kaaway ko, 80s dumating yan. yan kasi ang uso sa pinas nung 80s. ayon sa mga eksperto, di na makakapag-palit ng porma ang mga kababayan nating yan pagdating dito lalo na't medyo lampas na sa inosenteng isip. malilito na kasi sila sa dami ng klase ng porma dito kaya dun na lang siya sa dati nyang japorms. for better or for worse. pati sayaw nyan ay di na rin magbabago. kahit anong tugtog, akala nya borderline ni madonna pa rin ang sinasayawan nya.
kung 50 pataas naman ang edad ng tiyuhin natin dito, malamang naka-pamada yang akala nya ay uso pa rin si pete matipid ni chiquito. umalis kasi sa pinas yan nung late 60s hanggang early 70s. malamang ay mahilig din sa wool na pantalon yan na otso diretsong unat na unat ang palitid ng plantsa. mocasin ang hilig nyang sapatos at medyas na me parang lambat-lambat. si misis naman ay iba ang hitsura pag nasa bahay lang at iba pag matindihan ang okasyon tulad ng kasalan. hahahahaha! ang ibig kong sabihin e talagang iba. naka-lobo at sing-tigas ng accent nya ang buhok ng tiyahin natin. si susan roces kasi ang uso nung lumipad siya papunta dito.
e bakit nga puro lumpyang shanghai, sotanghon, dinuguan at barbeque ang handa pag may party sa kapitbahay? sa pinas naman di ganyan ang mga handa. pag me party kang napuntahan sa anumang sulok ng amerika na pinoy ang nagpatawag at wala ang dalawa sa apat na yan, i-report nyo lang sa blog na to. di tama yan. actually, di ko rin alam ang dahilan. di pa siguro nasasaliksik ng mga eksperto. di ko rin alam kung bakit me last supper sa mga dining room ng mga pinoy, bakit me grotto sa kanto ng bakuran, o bakit me rosaryo sa mga kotse natin.
di ko rin alam kung bakit mahilig ang mga tiyuhin natin sa 80s model na mercedes benz o toyota camry at bakit di bumibili ng dodge, chevy, o ford taurus ang mga pinsan natin.
at di ko rin alam kung bakit pinipilit akong kastilain ng mga espanyol at di naman marunong mag-tagalog ang mga batang pinoy. yun lang, nakakalito kasi....

manila

as the plane prepared to land in the city i've always called home, nothing felt unusual even after 15 months of absence in manila. looking out from the plane's window, darkness enveloped the usually brightly-lit skyline of the city. melenyo, the typhoon that ravaged the country just the day before i arrived had exacted its toll on a landscape that is barely holding on to order. even as the plane touched down 20 minutes earlier than scheduled, we got out from the tarmac 20 minutes later since only one gate was open. and the only thing missing in the airport's sauna atmosphere was the warm steam spewing from the mouths of its unfriendly personnel. it used to be that i resented overseas filipinos who had everything but complaints about the homeland. i resent the tone of their sanctimoniousness, the arrogance of their discomfort and their disdain for their country of birth. at that hour in the airport, however, i could no longer blame them.
and so i began my 3-week vacation in the homeland. i didn't expect anything spectacularly different since i've only been away for 15 months. it's obviously much longer than my previous sojourns abroad, but this time it's not just a sojourn, i actually live in america.
but manila has been my home for most of my adult life. i have built my strongest relationships in this chaotic and environmentally hazzardous city. i am still more familiar with its every corner than i am oriented on where the nearest asian store is in sarasota. i understand its slang, i appreciate the value of its u-turns than any westerner does and regardless of my contempt with its politicians, i understand their lingo and can decipher their motives. yes, much more than i understand how the Democratic victory in the mid-terms would impact the race for hillary in 2008. and it sank in as soon as i woke up the next morning.
so i began my vacation having the sensation that i still live in manila. i re-behaved like a filipino living in the philippines. as i was driven to manila for the first party i was about to attend, i didn't mind that it took us 3 hours to travel from makati to quezon city. i expected it. i didn't watch the local news in the same way that i didn't watch 24 oras on pinoy tv because gloria's face still upsets me. so i watched eat bulaga and escaped the torture of seeing the clowns who call themselves the leaders of my country.
of course, my trip was about seeing family and friends, not about reminiscing the things that made me leave the country. my trip was about attending my best friend's wedding. it was about reconnecting with my closest friends in the medical school, not about coming to terms with the philippines' future. or the lack of it. and as i went through the process of going back to my old life in manila, i began to realize what i've been missing. although things are much different now since most of my friends have married, there's still the psychological element of proximity. then i began to miss the privileges of home.
who would have thought that i would even toy about the idea of coming home for good. manila's festive atmosphere indeed didn't prepare me for this slight dilemma. i said slight because it's not easy leaving the life i've acceleratedly built in america. but for one minute i thought about selling my newly purchased little castle in florida. i contemplated on leaving behind the life i've preached about to those i brainwashed in the philippines. in that moment of nostalgia, i was almost prepared to turn my back on something others could only dream of.
sooner than i can decide on the issue, however, it's been three weeks and it was time to leave. the manila airport was no longer spewing with fire when i left. still not as sleek as the tampa airport, it was certainly more pleasant than on the night of sept 29th when the temp was 100 degrees fahrenheit with 90% humidity. during my flight back to florida, i was plotting my return to power in the philippines. so to speak.
but the air in america does something to people. when i landed in tampa, things began to shift a little. now i again appreciate the cool crisp air of autumn. suddenly, i was in wider roads with drivers travelling in straight lines. as i turned on my plasma tv when i got home, the excitement of the forthcoming Democratic victory in november was extremely palpable. george bush would indeed be a lameduck president as the age of reason beaconed in the home of the brave. america would find its voice again.
i'm glad to be home.

silence

all throughout my adult life, words have always been my strongest allies. they give me a deep sense of empowerment. they provide me a sensation of creating different realities without lying. words advance thoughts even without the use of grand but meaningless gestures.

unlike most people, i discovered this gift in the most unprofound manner. boredom during that summer when my academically-challenged friends were busy in their summer classes, i took the test that changed the way i used words. it turned out that the varsitarian battery of essay tests with hundreds of other wanna-be-writers can be life changing. never mind the new-found friends, never mind the love that haunted me far longer than i wanted and never mind that the annual "workshop" junkets taught me more than just writing techniques. the whole writing experience opened my world to the power of words.

and i've used it, wantonly and otherwise, to drive home my point. my point has not always been pointless, but words emboldened me to push my fortunes. i wasn't gifted with a long attention span to read enough in the medical school, so i used my words to struggle my way to obtain my MD. i didn't have the patience for research when i was in the varsitarian, so out of my verbose brain came out nicely opinionated articles. i didn't and still don't have the initiative to do the job of a foot soldier, so i talked my way to becomming a commander.

however, words can be rendered less potent if preceded by words not previously kept. or words that are untrue nor meaningless. as our workshops would always preach, form without substance is just that, without substance. its failure to command people and ideas would not only negate its intent, it would also energize the enemy. and in life where success is defined by a victory in the battle for ideas and people, skill in the command of words is almost inescapable.

but lately i've discovered the eloquence in silence. when confronted by senseless blabber in the midst of mindless thoughts that refuse to fly, my reaction in my younger days would have been to confront the stupidity and punish the stupid. i would have pretended that i didn't notice the idiocy and continued the engagement. i would then abruptly crush the message and make the messenger burn in the fire of his own nonsense.

age certainly does something to people. i wouldn't say it's a mellowing of my temperament nor have i reached a higher level of tolerance. i wouldn't even say it's wisdom.
maybe i'm just tired.

Exile

when one is lost in the anonimity of america, one longs for the privileges and comforts of home. when one is drowned by the multitude of faces, of skin colors that sometimes belie the language they speak, he longs for the dialect and accent he is used to. maybe i just miss home, but now i don't know if i can live here until retirement.

and where shall i go home to? the country of my birth is still in a quagmire of difficulties which are the very reasons for my leaving. the uncertainty of its political and economic future. the astonishing disappearance of the middle class either to poverty or to nursing school. the unabashed shamelessness of an unelected, unelectable "president". the law of diminishing return cannot be less adequate in describing the state of the country i called home.

so i am an exile. waiting for things to miraculously turn around in a nation wasted by other people's greed. in the meantime, i'll savor the freedoms of disneyland and universal studios while these overweight americans beside me wallow in their own world of credit card make believe.