the democrats and obama

during the past 20 years, only one democrat won the white house. now the democrats are poised to nominate barrack obama, a senator of less than two years, barely 46 years old and has never had an extensive election experience with the republicans.

but he has captured the imagination of the youthful segment of the democratic party. tired of the status quo and wanting immediate change, these firebrands were enamored by the charismatic and freshness that obama brings into the elections. whether he's right for the nomination, and for the job should he win in november, only time will tell.

in the meantime, middle america hasn't caught up with obamarama. hillary clinton, perceived early on as the candidate of the democratic establishment, lost the early contests because of this anti-establishment onslaught. more experienced, highly skilled in the affairs of governance and a true thorn in the eyes of ideological republicans, the formidability of her general election appeal seems to have been lost on the day dreaming democrats. and so the rural, white and working class americans rejected obama in pennsylvania, ohio, west virginia and kentucky. the heart of middle america.

so we will proceed into the general elections with a candidate who hasn't made a real connection with those whose beliefs and traditions are not truly in sync with liberal california or new england. we are nominating a candidate who is the quintessential democratic liberal who represents the very reasons who democrats always lose.

in a poll by quinipiac of the 3 perennial swing states (ohio, florida and pennsylvania), whose vote for the presidency always decided who will win the contest for over 25 years, hillary clinton will beat mccain in all three by margins ranging from 4 to 10 points. obama will only win against mccain in pennsylvania by 4 points. hillary will win in the same state against the republican nominee by 8 points.

and this story is repeated all over the union. in the states where the democrats need to win in order to close the deal, obama is still struggling with the rural and working class whites, asians and hispanics. his core constituency, african-americans and highly-educated liberal democrats will vote democratic anyway. regardless of who the nominee will be. on the other hand, 30 percent of voters in an exit poll in kentucky said they would vote for mccain should obama become the democratic nominee. similar figures were obtained in pennsylvania and west virginia.

i am not writing obama off in the general election. but i would not be surprised if this will be another republican year. despite the unpopular war, despite the spiraling economy, and yes despite the wild clamor for change.

when greed becomes a way of life

when greed becomes a way of life

it's not an uncommon proposition that in order to eradicate corruption
in the philippines, you've got to kill everyone in the country above
the age of 18. during the spring and the summer, that includes my
mother. corruption had become so prevalent even 22 years after marcos
that it had assumed the status of a birthright among those in power.
to question corruption in the philippines is like a silly form of
inutile outrage. so silly that to cry foul to a government official
committing graft right before your very eyes had become one stupid
exercise.

stupid because you'll end up stupider than the stupid government
official you are trying to catch. stupid because in the eyes of the
public, you are catching a government official who only does what he
is in power for, which is steal from government coffers. after all,
conventional wisdom says, who doesn't do it anyway?

it becomes even stupider when you try to bring someone to court for,
what else, stealing money from the already bankrupt government. it had
become so ridiculous in the eye of the filipino that such an act would
only be time wasted and, ironically, even embolden those who have
assumed the habit of getting kickbacks without even trying. such is
the fate of such idiots like salonga, guingona, cory aquino and the
others who, even in the last stages of their long lives have enlisted
themselves to the most useless of useless causes. bringing gloria
arroyo to answer for her greed.

because according to popular filipino wisdom, why change a government
with a new one since the next government will be just as, if not more
corrupt, than the last? it makes perfect sense since arroyo is
preceded by estrada and estrada is preceded by ramos. who would argue
with with the fact that greed begets greed? corruption had become so
embedded in the filipino political culture that a government official
is corrupt unless proven otherwise. besides, nobody has declared noli
de castro graft-free. nor the senate president, much less the speaker
of the aptly named Lower House.

so the current "political noise", as the most corrupt of them all has
called the present situation, is nothing but the filipino's way of
saying we are not all corrupt after all. some will stand up to say
enough of too much corruption. it's time to "moderate the greed". but
as past experience would tell us, this political noise will eventual
die down and gloria arroyo will survive another test to her stellar
presidency. thanks to our adequately compensated and pathologically
loyal generals. whoever said crime does not pay must not have lived in
the philippines.

i don't know but i am still hoping that corruption is not
intrinsically filipino. that maybe it is not genetic and there might
be some hope for rehabilitation. maybe putting arroyo to jail now, or
after 2010 without the possibility of parole would be a good start.
but of course, the next president would be just as corrupt isn't it?
then jail him too for heavens sakes. and the next, and the next, and
the next until they all get it.

well, it's really wishful thinking. as filipino wisdom goes, there's
really nothing we can do.

until we all die doing nothing.

the race card

while the obamarama fever reaches temperatures never before felt in the democratic party in a long time, serious questions still linger in the minds of many democrats. clearly, obama's message of change has resonated loudly in the country and has catapulted him this far in the race for the party's nomination. he represents the new face of change in the country and the party's time-honored embrace for true reform. he has touched a chord among many democrats, and even independents if we are to believe his campaign. his flair for beautiful prose in his speeches, his fashionable line-up of hollywood's wealthy and glamorous supporters and his glaring attacks on the establishment, the clintons included, have all resonated very well to a population tired of the status quo.

but the resilience of the clinton campaign is undeniable. despite being labeled as the candidate of the democatic establishment, hillary clinton had become the underdog in this race. the surprising strong showing of this first-term, junior senator from illinois has caught the country by surprise. wildly popular among african-americans during and even after his term, bill clinton's magic didn't seem to work this time. the racial divide has been very evident with obama's very formidable support from this specific population group. whoever started this race factor being played right before the south carolina primary has certainly shaped how this race will eventually end up. hispanics, the main competitor of african-americans for government services and jobs, have rallied behind clinton in california, nevada and new mexico. in the same manner, asian-americans have demonstrated an even greater support for clinton. while asians are not considered competitors for neither hispanics nor blacks for services and jobs as we belong to a different social and economic bracket, this support is attributed to their strong affinity to the happier days of the clinton years.

however this race turns out in texas and ohio, the two largest remaining contests for the democrats, the obama jolt had made its mark. just the thought of going up against a clinton in the democratic primaries and caucuses and presenting a formidable campaign is in itself a revolution. a revolution for what and for whom, we still don't know. the specifics of this change from what to where are still to be spelled out by obama himself.

because since he laid out his campaign for change and ever since america has been drowned by the oratorical prowess of this harvard alumnus, his pronouncements have since been lacking substance. obama's speeches have delved largely on the all-encompassing theme of change. period. his failure to introduce himself properly to all americans has resulted in his poor showing among hispanics and asians. it is important that these social groups be tackled since more than 70% of asians and 60% of hispanics identify themselves as democrats. it becomes even more relevant when we consider that hispanics are now the largest minority group in the country. and when the racial divide was intentionally or unintentionally drawn in south carolina, hispanics and asians responded negatively to the obama campaign.

the texas contest will be more telling on the racial configuration of this contest. ahead in most polls in texas, clinton is counting on the support of hispanics. whatever dent obama has achieved among this racial group in virginia and maryland will come to bear in this delegate-rich state. although a smaller group in texas compared to california and hawaii, asians are not exactly non-existent in texas. these factored in with white southern voters, things can look a lot better for clinton than the past six contests.

whatever the outcome of this democratic battle for the party's nomination, america has shown its readiness for either a female or a black president. for symbolic and historical reasons, those are indeed milestones for a country that claims to be the champion of democratic ideals.

but after the inaugural is over and the milestone has been set, there's still the governing part to take care of. in this regard, the choice has is clear. experience over hype, substance over rhetoric.

even if oprah doesn't agree.

my beef with those bishops

my dissatisfaction with the catholic church started more than a decade ago with the issue on population control. back then, the philippines only had 75 million or so people. fast forward into 2008, the philippine population is approaching the 90 million mark, yet the position of the catholic bishops remain unyielding.

in a country that is growing in population at more than 2% a year, one of the highest in the world, it is unconscionable for anyone to continue to oppose family planning. family planning as defined by the united nations, family planning as described by the world health organization. just looking at the demographics at where the growth comes from, one realizes that it is occurring where there are the least resources to sustain such babies. in plain language, poorer couples are producing more children. administration after administration, the government has embarked on ambitious economic growth plans that aim to alleviate poverty. they include encouraging massive investments from overseas, increasing domestic industrial and agricultural production and even exporting human power. but even during the boom side of the boom and bust cycle that characterize the philippine economy, those gains are easily annihilated by the disproportionate growth in population.

and the clergy doesn't seem to get it. while every survey among practicing catholics since cory aquino took power indicates that they would consciously use artificial contraception as they see fit regardless of the clergy's position, the church's position still matters. it matter because it continues to block any meaningful education program on family planning and sex instruction in catholic schools. in a country where the nation's quality work force comes mainly from these private catholic schools, the debate on population control becomes a little bit tilted. during the time of protestant juan flavier's liberal stewardship of the department of health in the 90s, every effort was made by the religious to destroy his family planning program and even demonize this little giant. the church stopped at nothing to discredit flavier and his programs if only to demonstrate how powerful the catholic church was. when i was attending medicine in catholic UST, we invited flavier to speak at our frat's symposium and expound on his family planning program, our sanctimonious dominican friars of course did not let him. even in the name of science.

and the bishops call themselves men of god. these are the same bishops who oppose the use of condoms even in the prevention of HiV denying the truthfulness of overwhelming scientific evidence. the country's population program has always been hostaged by these celibate men for decades now. how this bunch of officially single men can preach on how couples should behave inside the bed room is just beyond me. the church would rather see more pot-bellied, malnourished children in the ever expanding shantytowns and whose education could no longer be supported because of the lack of resources is in my view immoral and bordering on criminal.

these celibates' lack of credibility on the issue is so astounding, yet these clergymen do not even realize how ridiculous their position had become.

now they are at it again. this time, they want the ban on artificial contraception officially legislated. forget about pot-bellied babies, forget about the exploding population.

maybe it's time to let these celibates find their brides. you see, credibility demands practicing what you preach.

two manilas

i just came back from a month of visit in manila. it has been my longest vacation in the city of my birth since i moved to the US. in a way, it has been eye opening for me, still surprising for someone who thought i knew the city well enough. many of the changes sweeping the metropolis are so visible, yet the same problems that plagued it for decades are still there and even became worse in many respects.

first, the mushrooming of new areas of development in the fort bonifacio and ortigas areas are mind-boggling. tens of new spanking, steel and glass skyscrapers are making their presence felt in a city that i really thought was lagging far behind in the asian region. fort bonifacio in particular is the resurgent new enclave of the financial center. side by side with makati, it will be the new epicenter of the country's economic power elite. in an astounding kind of way, the fort will embody the future of one side of the city, and of the country for that matter.

but just outside of this mega-development, the shantytowns are just as explosive. mile after mile of these decrepit, utterly third-world reminders of the country's poverty spread rapidly like ants in a city that can no longer cope with its almost 13 million population. they compete with the skyscrapers in providing a picture of the nation's state of development. the poor grow not in economic terms, but they just grow as this massive number of hungry, neglected and ultimately angry group of people. and they won't be as happy when the other side of town keeps up with its ostentatious show of wealth. while the upper classes contemplate on what new european cars to purchase and which exotic foreign destinations they will tour the next time, the poor are just scrambling for what's left of their richer countrymen's scrap. literally. house maid's salaries have not risen since our oldest former helper retired from service 12 years ago, an average of $50 a month. half the amount that someone dining in the fort's many fine restaurants would at least spend. a family driver's salary has also stayed where it is since the 2nd edsa revolution, an average of $200 across the country.

therefore, the higher end of the spectrum seems to be content on the economic direction the country is taking. this minute but powerful sector is carrying on its task of carving its own version of the country. modern, cosmopolitan, fashionable and in its own way, robustly filipino. they are the ones who don't let a $600-ticket for josh groban's concert flop. in full fashionable force, they came. at the lower end of the spectrum, however, that $600 could have been their passport for a domestic helper's job somewhere in hong kong. something that would alleviate them from their poverty. although this supposed new career development would still not buy them a new condo at the other side of town, but at least there would be more protein their diet.

i've always been aware, however, that the social divide in this city, and in the country to a lesser extent, has always been there. getting out of poverty is very difficult in a country where just getting into a university would, more often than not, entail carrying a good last name. or a nice bank book. but my last visit was quite startling. the wall between the social classes has risen so high that the only point of contact between the two kinds of filipinos is through employment. one being employed by the other, domestic and otherwise. but the new upscale neighborhood's level of isolation from the rest of the population is such that today's upper class filipino children will grow up believing that there's just his family, all the rest are the help. and the poor filipino children might mistakenly think that those upper class children who attend the ateneo or poveda are foreigners. they speak a different brand of the language and that their subculture has evolved distinctly from the rest of the population.

but i think one can't blame the other. the level of distrust and/or paranoia from the other is an inevitable consequence of separate evolution. i rarely left the confines of makati when i was there not only because of fear of the worsening crime rate outside the "green zone", but travel within the metropolis has just been agonizing. no late model european car can speed its way in manila's horrendous traffic. the working class's ability to travel to the other side of town, on the other hand, is limited by the fact that almost all of these communities are gated and their leisure havens are not accessible to public transportation.

manila is indeed growing. it's size, it's population, its economic strength is bolstered by a resurgent middle and upper class. this growth's ability to trickle down to the masses hasn't happened, however. it has left the poor majority population even more destitute than ever before. whether the two manilas will ever come together again in economic terms, i am not optimistic.

in the meantime, let the good times roll.

biting cold

i'm a frequent visitor to new jersey and new york. for a long time now, i've considered central jersey my home away from home besides aurora, colorado. i've lived there longer than any other place in the united states aside from my present residence in florida. and of course, colorado is home to most of my family in america. in a fifty mile radius, about 40 cousins on the cadiz side have called aurora home for many decades now.

but the northeast has always been special. the magic of new york never fails to hold me in awe whenever i visit. for a long time, i fancied looking forward to living there except that now the practicalities of living in such a complex and impractical city always catches up with me. having lived in suburban america for almost three years now, my need for more living space takes precedence over the thought of living under the glittering lights of the big apple. how could i, for example, find and ultimately be able to afford a property with a pool there? maybe in jersey. but even in jersey, you have to close the pool for four of the 12 months of the year because of freezing.

and for the three days that i stayed there last weekend, i got so tired of the 40 degree cold. it was nice in the first 4 hours, but when it had become so difficult to smoke, to walk without shoes and practically to walk anywhere without the heavy clothing, it just got very irritating.

then i appreciated how lucky i am to live in florida. it can get cold too down here, but not cold enough to forgo of smoking. and even when the temperature drops, there's always the sun shining ever brightly in the sunshine state. in my three days in NY/NJ, the sun never showed up even once. this explains much of the increase in the consumption of anti-depressants in the northern states. not to mention the consequent surge in suicides in those dreary and gloomy 4-season states during the autumn and winter.

but i like new jersey. i am more familiar with its routes and jughandles than i am with most places in northern florida. i like the diverse characteristics of its population, the compactness of this small but prosperous state, its closeness to a host of major metropolitan areas. aside from new york, boston and the rest of new england, baltimore, the DC area, philadelphia and even toronto are all within driving distance. the size of its filipino population is such that you won't miss seeing a pinoy in any mall or park speaking either filipino or english with that distinctly elegant accent.

i still have extended family in NJ. my cousin and uncle have moved down here to florida even before i did but i still have very strong links remaining in the garden state. i think i'd still visit NJ even if i head west to california.

but i'd probably prefer to do so in the spring.

my old life

home is where you make it. for almost three years now, florida has been home to me and i have no complaints. except for the short period of autumn weather during the winter, southwest florida's weather, minus the excruciating humidity, resembles that of the philippines in october to december. it's lack of extreme heat or cold suits my complacent attitude and the palm trees can pass as my visualization of coconuts in my home province. except for the relatively small number of filipinos here, i've felt pretty much at home in florida.

despite this, however, home is also where i grew up in. for all its urban chaos, manila's unexplainable charm still haunts me. it generates more memories of a not so distant life that i think i lived well while i was there. i have learned to survive its mammoth traffic, the irritating familiarity of its people and the seemingly constant struggle for power, the petty kind of power.

the constancy of its social life, the dependability with which you can summon anyone for a whole night of outing in manila's lively nightlife is simply not found anywhere else. why people call new york the city that never sleeps just escapes me. manila's entertainment districts are still filled with insomniacs at 5:00 am while it would have been extremely difficult to find a club in manhattan that is still open at 1:00 am. true, reminders of manila's status as a third world capital are clearly visible even in the high end areas thanks to the annoying sound of the jeepney's diesel engine, i must say that i am still most comfortable at its more exclusive watering holes. not that i savor the social divide that is still much of a fact of life in my country, but sometimes the overblown egalitarian ways of america also have their disadvantages.

so i miss manila and my former life. i am not sure if i would still be able to reclaim my old life even if i decide to move back there. most of the people who have surrounded me three years ago have themselves had their own lives changed without going anywhere else. anytime now, my best friend would become a father, my fraternity brothers have taken their medical careers seriously and sampaloc's ever rising floods have made the frat house a difficult meeting place.

but i'll try anyway. i'm hoping that for the several weeks that i'm there, i have retained the power to summon my friends. maybe my old life is still there.

aktibista

i have never identified myself with the political left in the philippines. i have always thought that the age of class struggle is long over and what was needed was sweeping reform that starts from the top. images of the Kilusang Mayo Uno, Bayan, League of Filipino Students and other left-leaning organizations incessantly take the streets and attack the bourgeoisie while vainly attempting to assault every government that came to power just got too old. even during my social awakening days at the varsitarian, the only place in santo tomas where the Left made a dent, i was never drawn to its ideas, much less join its many protest actions.

what it did was open my eyes to the existence of a parallel society in my country. the marcos years saw a cosmetic make-over that primarily intended to put away images of dire poverty in The New Society. this segment of the population that was desparately yearning to be heard, was muffled by the sounds of the orderly march of Bagong Lipunan. while the ascent of cory aquino in 1986 paved the way for the leftist elements to come out in the open and participate in the political process, it was later drowned by the return of old politics within just a couple of years of the new regime. the flimsiness of its base support which consisted mainly of its armed component, the New People's Army, organized labor, organized peasantry and a small percentage of the intellegentsia did not match the depth and power of mainstream political forces.

mainstream politics that hardly has any set of beliefs. mainstream politics that lacks any intellectual substance. mainstream politics that thrives mostly on its ability to unabashedly use money and patronage politics to remain in power. for the duration of the country's existence since independence, it has been this brand of politics that was solely responsible for the country's decline and the moral corruption of the people. the absence of real political parties has seriously undermined the accountability of those in power and resulted in the shameless looting of the nation's wealth. from one government to the next. from one promise to the next. from macapagal to macapagal-arroyo, the philippines sank deeper and deeper.

but the Left hardly appealed to my political senses. its loud methods and tired slogans against the US-Marcos, US-Aquino and US-Ramos regimes seemed like worn propaganda straight from 19th century Marxist-Leninist pamphlets. the very idea that one class needed to be dismantled in order to establish a new proletarian order was in itself already problematic. coming from a middle class, medium scale landowning clan, i did not just feel alienated from its tirades against the bourgeoisie, but the sheer violence that the movement was prescribing in order to effect reforms was shivering. this added to the fact that the genteel grounds of UST's campus did not provide fertile soil for these "progressive" thoughts.

for almost 20 years at that time, the leftist movement in the philippines under the moral and military leadership of the communist party appeared headed for a strategic victory when the marcos government seemed to be on a decline following the assassination of ninoy aquino. the CPP-NPA was the single largest resistance against the strongman that any collapse of the present order at that time would necessarily involve, if not dominated by the Left. the EDSA revolution of 1986, however, erupted and the military came to fill that power vacuum. in the initial euphoria of establishing the first post-marcos government in 20 years, every element of society that participated in the struggle were invited to participate in the beginning. cory aquino, chummy with the leftist elements that stood beside her long before the named politicos joined the bandwagon, had to share the table with the military that ultimately brought her to power.
but while mainstream political forces were gearing for the first real elections in 14 years in their own provinces, the Left and the Right were slugging it out at the presidential table. this was classically represented by johnny enrile of the military Right vs bobbit sanchez of militant Left.

in a matter of weeks during those tumultuous times in the capital, when aquino announced her firing of both leaders from her cabinet along with other personalities, the unstable coalition among all the forces that brought down the marcos regime was finally crumbling. it signaled the end of the Right vs Left telenovela within the government as well as the slide of the so-called progressive elements back into their days in the streets. they have been banished from the establishment.

election after election, the Left through its various front organizations fielded candidates in an electoral environment where the rules were set comfortably by those that were left behind in the reinforced, new establishment. the tactics used by these self-proclaimed revolutionaries were the same as when they were still in protest marches for their progressive advocacies. and while the moral compass was shifting to them somewhat by a public that was now asking those in power about the lack of progress on the promised reforms, the answers didn't come fast as the newly minted, the newly powerful are just starting to warm their asses on their newly renovated offices. as the post-marcos governments reneged or failed to deliver on the promises of democracy and economic recovery. the people's apathy towards government and society became more evident. ironically, however, it still wasn't fashionable to don the red attire of the aktibista.

the aktibista, regardless of its higher claim to social and political thought, were again relegated to a lower status in the new universe of cory aquino. the resurgence of the insulares and peninsulares in society and inside malacanang, as well as the expanding business opportunities for the burgeoning chinese community with the dismantling of several industrial and crop monopolies, were bullish about the larger space. the old pre-marcos political parties realigned and resulted in a conflagration of groupings that share little political principles, but are loosely bound by the more urgent need to be in power. they are comprised of personalities that range from the very old political families to the new set of political animals that seemed to have emerged out of nowhere. these newcomers, nouveau as they are called in the upper circles, are hungrier, more greedy and lack any political sophistication. they view political power as their coming out party into society. the declaration of their new wealth.

the emergence of these new dynamics in politics particularly in the countryside where these new political entities showed up perhaps contributed to the Left's further slide. the brief economic boom of the 90s made possible the creation of a limited but larger than usual liquid money for more people than before. these new politicos, eager to retain whatever standing they think they have attained in society, are willing to spend their life's savings just to retain their positions as mayors, congressmen, governors, or even councilors. taking the lead from their more seasoned predecessors, every city, municipality or province was virtually sold to the highest bidder.

while this kind of politics gave the left the moral ammunition to attack the ruling system, it also left them with fewer potential supporters on the ground. enterprising henchmen would rather work for the evil that pays than for the evil that kills. more and more, the relevance of the leftist movement came into question. throughout the 90s, various data from both the government and NGOs indicated a steep decline in the forces of the NPA. as the socialist regimes of eastern europe collapsed, the force of their persuasion eroded considerably especially among the middle class. the brief boom demonstrated the inherent capacity of economic development to counteract any insurgent socialist cause. it also helps eliminate the sources of discontent in the countryside and in the urban work force.

but that boom was very short-lived. the ripple that started in bangkok reached manila as the full-blown asian financial crisis in 1997. once again, the optimism that pervaded the philippines in the 90s vanished completely as estrada and arroyo came to power. perceptions of corruption became validated cases of plunder on these two governments. arroyo's persistent clamping of civil and political liberties in order to preserve power mobilized all sectors of society into mass actions reminiscent of the 80s anti-marcos demonstrations. once again, the Left is in the thick of things. again, the Left is proving its versatility and staying power.

the Left's role in the philippines is now being redefined as its legal arm has joined the political process. several seats in congress are not occupied by people who identify themselves as those of the Left. they are still tackling the age-old advocacies of labor, the peasantry and human rights, but its alignment with mainstream political parties provide it a new platform. how far it will go in its alliances with the political opposition in the struggle against arroyo remains to be seen. based on the pronouncements of its main characters in congress, the left remains unshaken in its socialist objectives.

i have virtually grown up watching the Left shift battles and change villains, but has remained single-minded in improving the human condition. perhaps unique among all the socialist movements in other parts of the world, the Philippine Left has been relatively untainted by corruption. regardless of the questions on its methods in obtaining power, its patriotism and sincerity are seldom, if at all, came into question. the frugal lifestyle of its leaders are in stark contrast to the ostentatious lives of their mainstream counterparts.

i am seriously rethinking the socialist path. i have given up on the hope that an inspiring leader from the center is still attainable. it is made harder by the fact that corruption, incompetence and the propensity for abuse have become synonymous with the traditional politician. the bankruptcy of ideas in government is largely the reflection of the incompetence that thrives well in the traditional philippine political setting.

i am still not a socialist though. it would not be fair for them who have spent their whole lives studying socialism and literally laying their lives for the struggle. i now see socialism in a new light as i am beginning to consider that it might be the only answer to my country's woes. unlike the other members of the Philippine Left, however, i am still inclined to advocate traditional means to obtain power and effecting progressive reforms thereafter.

that is hardly a socialist statement.

in god's name

if someone were to ask me 15 years ago on what i felt most passionate about, i would have said god, country, family, people. it sounds like a mindless politician's slogan for another mindless election, but that was how i felt. in a religious country like the philippines, the concept of being religious and spirituality are completely interchangeable. to be spiritual is to believe in god, be a serious member of an established faith, in most instances catholic, and carry out the dictates of that faith.

in most instances, i followed that path as most young filipinos enrolled in sectarian catholic institutions. my catholic formation couldn't have been more hifalutin in the philippine setting. dominican friars were my role models as i was growing up in the conservative confines of santo tomas. we were bombarded with religious instruction every day not only on the generalities of the faith, but on the specifics of their dogma and how they apply to secular existence. in the pontifical university, we prayed before and after each subject with the entire rosary recited during the whole month of october. for such piety and loyalty to the holy mother the church, we were always graced by the Pope's presence every time His Holiness was in town. as the Church's primary agents of educating the faithful, our dominican mentors were the true soldiers of the church in their fulfillment of their holy mandate.

but besides making sure that i understood my faith's dogmas and doctrines, i thought that i was being consistent with being an ordinary, church-going christian. i believed that by being a good son of the church, my personal struggles would seem easier because of divine intervention. if it meant going to church every day to seek my personal petitions, so be it. if it meant praying the rosary every night besides those done in the classroom, so be it. every day, i was counting my blessings and seeking atonement for my sins. lest it be misconstrued, however, i was no saint. i approached religion from a more theoretical perspective, hence the obedience was more mechanical than practical, more distant than personal, and it banked on the whole premise that attaining eternal life had a fixed formula to follow.

my initial formation was therefore founded on a very stringent conservative catholic backdrop. my social principles all emanated from this orientation. rabidly anti-abortion regardless of the pregnancy's circumstances, i also believed that religious instruction must also be available in public schools. i believed that the Church had the divine right and responsibility to use the pulpit to push for what it deems is right and just. above all, i believed that the country's success all depended on its people's re-conversion. that any meaningful national recovery would involve arousing the people's faith and getting them to be involved in nation building with their conscience as the main driving force. and i trusted that my church was the logical positive force in that regard.

my christian formation proved indispensable in reinforcing that religious fervor. coupled with my parents' serious and sincere involvement with the church and the burgeoning charismatic movement at that time, i thought i would be a man whose ideals would unshakably be conservative.

but too much of something can indeed be a bad thing. while i continued to participate in activities that enhanced my own spirituality, i was noticing the dominant role the church was playing in my country's affairs. i agreed in theory with this principle in the beginning. but my exposure to the more liberal elements of society became more common particularly in the varsitarian, logic began to interfere in my faith. i started to reassess the "go and multiply" dictum of the church while i see the increasing misery of my countrymen in the face of such astonishing population growth. i began to view the hierarchy of my church as insensitive to the sufferings of the people despite the overwhelming science against unbridled, unchecked population increase. its vehemence in insisting its stand against responsible family planning was perhaps what set off my drift away from my church. how can a bunch of celibates credibly lecture other people about family planning? how can these supposed intellectuals of the church force the argument against the fact the when one million new filipinos are born each year, the nation's food production and job creation will be perpendicularly exhausted because they simply cannot catch up?

the impact might be ignored in the more secular societies in western europe and to a certain extent the united states, but in catholic philippines, this poses a real problem. to date, no philippine administration has successfully implemented a true family planning program save for the iron fist of marcos during martial law while protestant ramos' efforts at addressing the population issue was perpetually hounded by the church throughout his term.

then my stand on abortion shifted dramatically as well. it further hardened as my political ideology moved farther and farther to the left. i began to view the church as a force perpetually opposed to progress as it undermined embryonic stem cell research, the darwinian principle and the indisputable data of population overgrowth. it has consistently failed to respond credibly to challenges to long-standing disputes on these various social issues. it had continued to invoke the power of the pulpit and hide in the cassocks of blind faith. they have continuously derided its critics and those whose positions are not supportive of the church's as enemies of the faith. some have been so unfortunate as to be declared heretics and countless of them were burned to death.

i am not saying that this institution has lost all its usefulness in society. for a people who rely on religion as their source of hope, the church remains an instrument of moral formation. its deeply held beliefs on what is right and wrong are useful guides for people who truly regard them as a genuine source of goodness. despite the catholic church's sometimes atrocious record to humanity in causing death and suffering to people with a set of beliefs separate from the christian hegemony, much can be learned about its history. while it has never really apologized to its victims during the crusades, the inquisition and its painful silence while the carnage that was the holocaust was underway, there might be signs of atonement from the institution that has always taught about humility and the value of forgiveness. two popes have now revisited the lands that christianity's former princes were perpetually trying to "recover" from the moors in a gesture of reconciliation and maybe, forgiveness.

but my drift away from faith seemed unstoppable. i was simply unable to reconcile certain truths about humanity and salvation. about the preponderance of one faith over the other. about the improbability of the absoluteness of each truth against another truth. while similarities in the stories of most faiths and the commonality of the three major religions' (judaism, christianity and islam) root history of a single deity, one's claim against the other as the one true faith creates doomsday scenario for those who happen to belong to what ends up as false religion. this parochial and arrogant claim to exclusive salvation based on creed defies logic and is very divisive. despite our level of social advancement,this divisiveness has brought us to all these sectarian strife that are erupting everywhere. from palestine to northern ireland, kosovo to banda aceh, today's religious extremism is but a snapshot of all the crimes committed in the name god.

i might never go back to the day when i completely surrendered my destiny to a force other than what i see. i might never again believe that my catholicism is the one true path to where everyone imagines they want to be. perhaps one day, however, we can just respect other people's beliefs and try to imagine that we might all end up in that one place. that one true place.

passing on

i saw the face of death almost everyday in medical clerkship. every time the word "mayday" was yelled across the medicine ward of the clinical hospital, the smell of death lingered incessantly until the senior medical resident called the effort to revive the half-dead patient over. from minutes to an hour or so, we believed it was our christian duty to spare no time and expense to bring back those who nature are calling back into its bosom. it was our professional duty too that we do everything physiologically possible to see to it that death does not become necessary all the time.

but in almost half of these cases, death was indeed necessary. either due to longstanding conditions that have taken their toll on their non-superhuman bodies or to sudden turns of fate like a stabbing or a gunshot, life ends and we all move on. the ritual of pumping their chests to stimulate renewed heart activity is so ingrained in my memory that i can do it anytime even after 10 years without practice. whenever i did cardiac pumping, i always looked at the patient's eyes in an attempt to peek into what was going on deep inside them. most of the time i found the pain in their faces that was probably brought about by the failure of the various systems in their body. unlike other people, however, i do not find poetry in their eyes as they struggle for their own survival. when i had to do CPR on my own father, i sensed the peace and closure that he had longed for. his five years of sufferings were probably enough.

these days, i hear of people passing on more frequently than i did several years ago. maybe because i have reached an age when the people i knew when i was growing up are reaching their "life-expectancy" limits. the cycle is being completed. i would learn that my godfather from this place has died or my mother's friend from that place has also passed on. my aunt from colorado, my uncles from bicol and laguna, even my very first friend in our neighborhood in sariaya has fallen victim to a violent end.

i myself do not expect to live forever. i become more conscious of my own mortality every time i hear about people i know passing on. my own bout with a life-threatening condition 11 years ago always reminds me of my own vulnerability. every potential infection, every fever that i have, every joint pain, every bruise are all warning signs that are important markers for my own survival. nothing can be left to chance. my immune system is not as tough as my classmates in med school nor my co-residents in rehab. so i had more precautionary measures than everybody else whenever one or more of our patients are suspected to have some kind of infection.

but death is hard to cheat. it is a lingering presence as we drive at 90 mph in the freeway. it is our constant companion every time we fly even on the safest planes. it is always a threat whenever we let ourselves go under the knife even in the most benign of procedures.

and most of the time we escape death and move on. only to move ever closer the the thing we have always dreaded. closer and closer.

my calesa rides

when i was a small boy, every trip to manila was a treat. my father would bring me to his escolta office, shop the nicest clothes for me in what was then manila's finest shopping district, buy me gold fish that i never learned to take care for, and we would always dine in his favorite restaurants. sometimes my mother would tag along. it was not necessarily good news since my mother tended to control my father's spendings for me. sort of the family's conscience for fiscal discipline. in those times, family was just me, my father and my mother. my sister was not due to arrive until i was about ready to go to school.

in my moments of toddler whim, i'd ask my father to go home from his office on board the traditional calesa. and in his moments of deep fondness for his only son, he would gladly oblige. to the amusement of our neighbors in manila, my father and i would grandly arrive in the not so fashionable calesa. in those times in the early 70s, pollution was not much of a problem, traffic jams were unheard of, but riding the calesa was still not a lifestyle statement.

so early in life i've developed a taste for traveling and all its trappings from a person who hardly went anywhere. my father liked good food, nice clothes, very fancy shoes, but never went very far. literally. it maybe that he lacked the opportunity, but there's no doubt in my mind that he would have been everywhere only if he wanted to. stubbornness is a trait truly native to the cadiz gene. ironically too, he initially constrained my freedom of movement for sheer fright that i might be hit by a bus or by lightning. but my tantrums proved more powerful than his fright, so i was able to go around provided his appointed chaperone for me would hold me on a short leash. my father wanted to make sure that i would make it into adulthood unscathed, undamaged by any natural or man-made accidents. perhaps my frequent rides on the calesa my father started what would be an enriching voyage throughout my chaotic but beautiful country.

so i began a long and productive journey as soon as i stepped out of high school. modestly in the beginning with low-budget trips to places like baguio and sagada, each trip would educate me in more ways than i would learn inside the box in the university. even a short ride to intramuros with my cousins was such a fulfilling undertaking at that time. industrial laguna, nowhere in the travelers' guide for places to see in the philippines, was such a respite from my hectic days in college. day trips such as those encouraged me to see my country more and crave for the more exotic destinations in the 7,107-island archipelago.

exotic like banaue and surigao. magnificent like mayon in albay and boracay in aklan. secluded and pristine like narra and el nido in palawan.

and tucked in a hidden peninsula in bicol right at luzon's southern edges, i discovered a tiny settlement with an out-of-this-world bay that would put phuket to shame. inhabited by poor bicolanos in what is probably a 5th class municipality, getting there was no easy task. we went there on a medical mission with my brothers so little was expected as far as accommodations were concerned. but when the work was accomplished and it was time to hit the local attractions, there beaconed towering limestone formations typical of what can be found in some of central china's provinces. scattered along the coast for a few miles and into the bay itself, these limestone formations provided a backdrop to a beautiful white sand beach. the crystal blue waters of the tiny peninsula gleamed in front of such an untouched, undisturbed peninsula. the wonderful thing about this place is that getting there is a major project in itself with a very inhospitable terrain making sure that development would have extreme difficulty in encroaching into this secret, unexpected treasure.

up north close to the taiwan border lies batanes. certainly one of my best trips, local and otherwise, the sheer vista of this tiny province is phenomenal. every inch of this rugged archipelago of five major islands is worth every minute spent on getting there. its unique architecture is nothing like the one found in all of the philippine islands. thick-walled houses with thatched roofs that last generations is what the local people, the ivatans, call home. they add much character to the already breath-taking view of the islands. underwater, the scenery gets even better. with visibility of up to 50 feet, communing with batanes' marine wildlife is another experience all its own. for some reasons, its corals are more brightly colored, far larger, and so full of life and vigor than anything i've seen in all my years of scuba diving. the coral reef would start just a few feet from the shore and extend far into the sea. it contains such a variety of marine life in very clear waters that i wondered how in the world did this place escape the attention of scuba divers. well, that's not such a bad thing anyway. maybe batanes is better left to the ivatans than to the dangerous hands of tourism.

these trips were what made my life in the philippines worth the 35 years that i lived there. every plane that i boarded, every boat that i took, every tricycle that got me to these places were my tools in the voyages i did to see my country of birth before i move on to the world beyond.
someday i hope to resume my trips in the philippines. perhaps on a calesa, but a 747 will do just fine.

old cronies

in college, i thought that my closest buddies at that time would end up as my lifelong friends, business partners even. plans for the future usually included living in the same neighborhood, setting up a common business, being godfather and godmother to each other's children, going on trips outside the country and countless others that i was almost confident that nothing would change after 20 years. well, many of them are still around. i ended up godfather to some of their children. most of us are indeed in the same profession. but we don't live in the same neighborhood, those who attempted to go into business together ultimately burned their bridges. and some of them just faded away.

then i moved on, went to medical school and met new friends. this time, the signs of permanence are there. i joined a fraternity where commitment is, as the cliche goes, lifelong. common interests, common backgrounds and common workplaces almost ensured that separation anxiety would not be much of a problem come graduation time. despite my devotion to my frat, i had life outside of the titans. i believed in the yin-yang, the balancing of life and the forces that surround it in order to ensure that one is not blinded by one's affiliations or loyalties. so i cultivated friendships outside of the frat. i thought it was healthy. i thought that it was in my best interest that i have as many friends as possible from the most varied groupings. even from our rival frat.

so ian and the gang became the diving buddies, golfing competitors and partners in just about every crime commonly committed by young adults in their early twenties. we did not intend to plan our lives as friends. day by day, week by week, we tackled each other's struggles individually. we looked out for each other but never lost track of the notion that we were all on our own. we mapped out our plans according to our own desires and resources, not on what the common goal was. or because we simply had no common goal. our ambitions were not modest by any measure, but quite realistic given our individual capabilities and built-in (meaning family) advantages.

in other words, we took life as it came. no big deal about how long we will be together as friends. what mattered most was where things will work out best for each of us. after graduation, we took different specialties in different hospitals. we had a lull on the golf matches for a while, but ultimately the diving expeditions resumed sooner than we expected. some had children way ahead of most of us, some had domestic challenges of their own, some had occasional balance sheet issues, but we made sure we saw each other once in a while. no longer a nightly affair like during our years in med school and internship, but those brief moments are always enough.

there's really no telling who or which set of friends will stand the test of time. faces come and go and there is still no fool-proof instrument that tells us which ones are good and which ones will go quietly into the night.

we just take them as they come.